Accept That I Have A Different Values System or Die

I was all set to post my ass-boring to-do list for tomorrow, which included buying moving boxes, when I realized that the idea of purchasing boxes for moving is probably insane to everyone else in the world (including my own family; my mother: "Find some boxes at a liquor store or something." Silly mom. Those are people's homes).

I find that I have variations of this argument quite often. Sometimes the subject is apartment broker's fees, sometimes it's ATM charges, sometimes it's paying a ransom. Look, not everyone's idea of ultimate bliss is saving money. Sometimes, shit is just easier to do when you pay a little bit more for it.

Things that when said to me in the past, have made my blood boil:

"Anyone who rents an apartment in New York and goes through a broker is an idiot."

"Why don't you just hand me $2 everytime you wanna take money out of the ATM instead of giving it to those stupid companies that aren't your bank?"

"I have your baby and only $1,000,000 will get her back, so you better not even think about not paying for your own baby."

Now, as for the first statement, it would be great if we could all find apartments without going through brokers. To be fair, I've lived here without doing so, but I really don't like it when smug nasties riding an above-it-all cloud, high on the heady rush of being frugal, sneer out statements like the first one. I'm not a trust fund baby, but I also don't cruise the bruised fruit bin at Stop 'n Shop for bargains, so get off my hump about it.

A friend of mine actually said the second statement to me after she noticed my penchant for often using whatever ATM was convenient and incurring charges accordingly instead of seeking out my own bank's ATMs and/or taking out money once a week to control my spending (admittedly, these are separate issues). Hey, I'm a child of the 21st century, okay? Sometimes I need money when I need it, not when I can get it from a Chase bank (don't steal my identity), no matter how many Duane Reades there are in the tri-state area. Also, if I take out a large sum of money once a week, I will spend it, as Allah is my witness, people. It will happen. On stupid shit, too, like platinum Slurpees and thoroughbred puppies. So excuse me if I like to frequent the MacDonald's ATM (only 99 cents!) or my neighborhood deli's $2.00 money machine. Gimme a break, as they say.

As for the third one, the baby was an accident anyway. Happy coincidences I DEFINITELY never pay for.

So please, allow me to illustrate via written dramatic scenarios (or "scenes") why buying boxes is easier:

Buying Boxes

Scene: Nighborhood Staples.

Me: "Hello, Sir. I'd like to purchase these boxes, which are conveniently flattened so that I may easily take them home and assemble them later before use."

Staples Sales Associate: "Sure, no problem! That'll be $10, please."

Me: "That's quite reasonable for this many boxes! Good day, Sir!

Now, consider the alternative:

Foraging Boxes

Scene: Gross liquor store

Me: "Excuse me, Sir? Sorry to bother you. I was just wondering if you could give me any empty boxes you might have."

Liquor Store Man: "Uh, I guess. Here are some sticky boxes for you to awkwardly carry home. You'll probably have to come back for more since you can't carry more than 2 at once when they're, you know, huge empty boxes like that. On second though, why don't you kick some down the street?"

Me: "Uh, thanks."

UM, THE FIRST OPTION IS CLEARLY PREFERABLE!

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go light some 50 dollar bills on fire...just because.

Fin.