This Hip New Haircut Tells People I'm Cool Way Before I Ever Could*

My new haircut is everything I could ever want in a bulletin advertising my blithely aloof coolness. Before I scored this purposefully casual shag, it would take a few well-chosen, vintage (OBVIOUSLY) pieces from brands like Capezio, Lesportsac, Jordache, and Gucci to tell everyone that I'm a member of the ruling class of young, hip, dirty, overeducated, urban irony-bots charging straight ahead to the nearest performance art open bar with my loose morals dragging behind my pointy-flats. And let's face it: concentrating all of my style indicators in uncomfortable shoes or a strategically-placed wristband risks making the subtle shades of my personality, as manifested by a pitch-perfect ensemble with just the right balance of nondescript basics furtively purchased from the Gap or H & M and appropriately weathered-looking thrift store finds, a little too subtle. Plus, one can only rotate a banana-yellow leather clutch and silver leggings so may times before becoming predictable. Now, my haricut erases any doubt of how cool I am that's left over in the mind of someone who isn't quite digging my acceptable yet suspiciously bland black jeans and t-shirt (both bought at Old Navy. Sshh!). Now that I have my awesome new haircut, the pressure's off the rest of me to pick up the hip slack!

I knew this haircut would change my life when I stepped into the tiny yet posh salon on the Lower East Side. Armed with a few print-outs of models from UrbanOutfitters.com and pages ripped out of Jane magazine, I confidently aimed my proposal for my style revolution at the pierced ears of my "master stylist." Though she may have responded with only a vacant stare, I saw a brief flicker of understanding when I uttered the phrase, "Less People Magazine; more Nylon." From then on, I knew it was pad thai wishes and PBR dreams, and for only $200! Oh, but I won't tell my friends that. They'll hear the "real" story: my friend cut it while we were high and making out in the bathroom at Union Pool. Didn't it turn out awesome!

See you on last Night's Party!

*This post was inspired by an actual nice haircut and my accompanying thought process. Also, I'm not mean.