Blogging Deficiency Due to Schoolwork Efficiency
Sorry.
Who am I kidding? Who even reads this? No offense, loyal readers (you know who you are), mostly hailing from the county of Chester West. Without you, I wouldn't...um...have friends? I'll work on formulating and phrasing that concept in a manner that better illistrates its importane at a later date. For now...RIDICU-LOCITY (sorry, I'm burnt out and I think new words are funny).
WHAT'S MUH-FUGGIN NEW, YOU ASK? Why, "much:"
a) I took a major test that I have to pass to graduate from my master's program (exclamation points that I'm not really feeling to follow)!!!!!!!! I don't know how I did, but I know how I DIDN'T do, and that would be: AWESOME.
Anyhoo, see everybody when it's assumed that I'm competent enough to make major healthcare decisions!
b) My GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disorder for those laymen out there, who are literally people who lay down all day [I wanted to make a dirty joke, but like, everyone has the internet, including my teachers/clients/potential bosses/, so you'll just have to settle for a BAD joke]) is acting up RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. There's not really anything I can do about it save for suffer in relative silence (I said I was gassy. THIS JUST IN: I GOT FIRED FOR THAT COMMENT. JK.BTW: elementary schools are veritable exhibitions of fartgas.Trust me; I WORK IN ONE). Just think of me as the Joan of Ark of gastrointestinal disorders. Vive le vomite! Alternately, I offer this: ASStille Day! I am basically shunned by people who encounter me for jokes like these. I'm under no illusions (allusions? I MAJORED in English. Somebody please leave a comment indicating which word is correct and admitting that it's confusing, or else I'll...continue to use it inappropriately, hurtin only myself. Take that, me!).
c) I am saddened to hear that Pittsburgh has the 2nd worst air quality of US cities (I would typically include a link to the article mentioned here, but I just don't feel like it, so that's something you'll have to explore on your own time). I was disappointed because I am scoping out cities where it is cheap to live so that if I want to move from the city known as New York (where I've spent many a dollar and many a ...whatever, I just don't like it that much, you know, as a city/"hometown"/place to raise children who aren't rude and/or, in their own way, sheltered [double parenthesis and generalization alert! Don't worry, it wasn't racial]). Anyway, who am I kidding; the city is fine, I just want a real house with a yard and people who think I'm at the ceiling of the intelligence range [this post will likely earn me enemies across the US, so I guess, just forget the whole moving idea anyway?). RIGHT, so, anyway, Pittsburgh was a city I was considering because you can get a cute, LARGE, old (weirdoes say "vintage") apartment for very little money, yet my profession is such that my salary remains consistent enough across geographic areas that I would save a lot/get more for my money.
BTW: People who wanted to know more about me, this is the right post to "tune in to." Yeah, all one of you guys that sends me weird myspace messages.
d) I have previously stated that I live in a dormitory, but I'm older (i.e., late 20s) than the other students here. So, for those students, here are some helpful tips! Here we go:
WHOEVER STOLE MY SILVER SPATULA, WHICH IS MY ONLY SPATULA (AND WAS EXPENSIVE BECAUSE THE STORE WAS SOLD OUT OF CHEAP ONES), THAT I LEFT IN THE COMMUNAL (READ: DIRTY) KITCHEN FOR A MILLISECOND WHILE I ATE MY DELICIOUS, FRESHLY-PREPARED ITALIAN FRITTATA (BTW, THAT'S AN OMELET, BUT I WOULDN'T EXPECT YOU TO KNOW THAT):
IT'S REALLY AWESOME THAT YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO IMPLEMENT THE BARTER SYSTEM ON A LARGER, MORE VISIBLE/MAINSTREAM SCALE. IF YOU WERE WONDERING WHAT I WANTED IN RETURN FOR THE SPATULA YOU STOLE FROM ME, WONDER NO MORE: I SIMPLY REQUIRE YOUR FACE. JUST, YOU KNOW, CAREFULLY SLICE IT OFF AND SLIDE IT (CAREFUL OF THE MESS) UNDER MY DOOR. THAT WILL SUFFICE!
OR, ALTERNATELY:
IF THE PERSON WHO PILFERED MY SPATULA DOESN'T RETURN IT TO ME IN ROOM NUMBER XX IMMEDIATELY, I WILL TOTALLY EFFING (I'M CIVILIZED) END YOU, AND YOU MAY THINK THAT BECAUSE YOU WERE BRUTALLY ENDED, THAT YOU WILL BE PERCEIVED AS A "HERO"* BY THE PUBLIC, BUT ACTUALLY "LAW AND ORDER" WILL RIP THE WHOLE STORY FROM THE HEADLINES AND WRITE IN A BUNCH OF STUFF ABOUT HOW YOU'RE A JERK AND YOU STOLE MY SPATULA, AND YOU KNOW, THEY'LL ADD SOME TWISTS AND STUFF AND BY THE END MOST PEOPLE WATCHING WILL PRETTY MUCH THINK YOU'RE THE "VILLAIN," AT LEAST AS MUCH AS THOSE ISSUES ARE CLEAR-CUT, WHICH IS ANOTHER STORY, BUT ANYWAY, YOU'LL END UP LOOKING LIKE THAT JACKED BRITNEY SPEARS AND K-FED COUPLE IN THAT RECENT EPISODE, AND I'LL BE THE "WINNER" (ALTHOUGH, IN THESE SITUATIONS, NOBODY EVER REALLY "WINS) AND I'LL PROBABLY ALSO GET OFF ON A TECHNICALITY ANYWAY BECAUSE ONE OF THOSE HARD-CHARGING, BALLBUSTER LADY LAWYERS WILL TAKE MY CASE, SO IN CONCLUSION, YOU SHOULD GIVE ME BACK ME SPATULA BECAUSE I HAVE HIDDEN CAMERAS.
Happy spring/summer, everyone!
*When meanwhile, everybody knows the the heroes from the NBC show, "Heroes," are the REAL heroes, anyway.
Who am I kidding? Who even reads this? No offense, loyal readers (you know who you are), mostly hailing from the county of Chester West. Without you, I wouldn't...um...have friends? I'll work on formulating and phrasing that concept in a manner that better illistrates its importane at a later date. For now...RIDICU-LOCITY (sorry, I'm burnt out and I think new words are funny).
WHAT'S MUH-FUGGIN NEW, YOU ASK? Why, "much:"
a) I took a major test that I have to pass to graduate from my master's program (exclamation points that I'm not really feeling to follow)!!!!!!!! I don't know how I did, but I know how I DIDN'T do, and that would be: AWESOME.
Anyhoo, see everybody when it's assumed that I'm competent enough to make major healthcare decisions!
b) My GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disorder for those laymen out there, who are literally people who lay down all day
c) I am saddened to hear that Pittsburgh has the 2nd worst air quality of US cities (I would typically include a link to the article mentioned here, but I just don't feel like it, so that's something you'll have to explore on your own time). I was disappointed because I am scoping out cities where it is cheap to live so that if I want to move from the city known as New York (where I've spent many a dollar and many a ...whatever, I just don't like it that much, you know, as a city/"hometown"/place to raise children who aren't rude and/or, in their own way, sheltered [double parenthesis and generalization alert! Don't worry, it wasn't racial]). Anyway, who am I kidding; the city is fine, I just want a real house with a yard and people who think I'm at the ceiling of the intelligence range [this post will likely earn me enemies across the US, so I guess, just forget the whole moving idea anyway?). RIGHT, so, anyway, Pittsburgh was a city I was considering because you can get a cute, LARGE, old (weirdoes say "vintage") apartment for very little money, yet my profession is such that my salary remains consistent enough across geographic areas that I would save a lot/get more for my money.
BTW: People who wanted to know more about me, this is the right post to "tune in to." Yeah, all one of you guys that sends me weird myspace messages.
d) I have previously stated that I live in a dormitory, but I'm older (i.e., late 20s) than the other students here. So, for those students, here are some helpful tips! Here we go:
WHOEVER STOLE MY SILVER SPATULA, WHICH IS MY ONLY SPATULA (AND WAS EXPENSIVE BECAUSE THE STORE WAS SOLD OUT OF CHEAP ONES), THAT I LEFT IN THE COMMUNAL (READ: DIRTY) KITCHEN FOR A MILLISECOND WHILE I ATE MY DELICIOUS, FRESHLY-PREPARED ITALIAN FRITTATA (BTW, THAT'S AN OMELET, BUT I WOULDN'T EXPECT YOU TO KNOW THAT):
IT'S REALLY AWESOME THAT YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO IMPLEMENT THE BARTER SYSTEM ON A LARGER, MORE VISIBLE/MAINSTREAM SCALE. IF YOU WERE WONDERING WHAT I WANTED IN RETURN FOR THE SPATULA YOU STOLE FROM ME, WONDER NO MORE: I SIMPLY REQUIRE YOUR FACE. JUST, YOU KNOW, CAREFULLY SLICE IT OFF AND SLIDE IT (CAREFUL OF THE MESS) UNDER MY DOOR. THAT WILL SUFFICE!
OR, ALTERNATELY:
IF THE PERSON WHO PILFERED MY SPATULA DOESN'T RETURN IT TO ME IN ROOM NUMBER XX IMMEDIATELY, I WILL TOTALLY EFFING (I'M CIVILIZED) END YOU, AND YOU MAY THINK THAT BECAUSE YOU WERE BRUTALLY ENDED, THAT YOU WILL BE PERCEIVED AS A "HERO"* BY THE PUBLIC, BUT ACTUALLY "LAW AND ORDER" WILL RIP THE WHOLE STORY FROM THE HEADLINES AND WRITE IN A BUNCH OF STUFF ABOUT HOW YOU'RE A JERK AND YOU STOLE MY SPATULA, AND YOU KNOW, THEY'LL ADD SOME TWISTS AND STUFF AND BY THE END MOST PEOPLE WATCHING WILL PRETTY MUCH THINK YOU'RE THE "VILLAIN," AT LEAST AS MUCH AS THOSE ISSUES ARE CLEAR-CUT, WHICH IS ANOTHER STORY, BUT ANYWAY, YOU'LL END UP LOOKING LIKE THAT JACKED BRITNEY SPEARS AND K-FED COUPLE IN THAT RECENT EPISODE, AND I'LL BE THE "WINNER" (ALTHOUGH, IN THESE SITUATIONS, NOBODY EVER REALLY "WINS) AND I'LL PROBABLY ALSO GET OFF ON A TECHNICALITY ANYWAY BECAUSE ONE OF THOSE HARD-CHARGING, BALLBUSTER LADY LAWYERS WILL TAKE MY CASE, SO IN CONCLUSION, YOU SHOULD GIVE ME BACK ME SPATULA BECAUSE I HAVE HIDDEN CAMERAS.
Happy spring/summer, everyone!
*When meanwhile, everybody knows the the heroes from the NBC show, "Heroes," are the REAL heroes, anyway.
posted by K at 2:17 AM
4 Comments:
illusions is correct. And you spelled competent wrong. But I had to look it up, too.
oops.
Factual inaccuracy: "I am basically shunned by people who encounter me for jokes like these."
Two words: Fire Island. Three more words: laffter-related injuries. Words, again: Seriously, you killed those people, and they weren't even your "target audience." You killed them to the point that you're all they ask me about, to this day.
Even your throwaway jokes: Kristen still quotes that "Mr. Trump, I am immortal!" thing you said.
GO GO GO!
I meant to write "compote."
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