Yet Another Piece of Evidence That I Was Not Meant for Living

So add "sleeping" to the list of activities I cannot perform without somehow hurting myself.

Last night I slept with one forearm mashed against the other, which was clad in my wrist-worn timepiece (called a "watch"). This morning I awoke to find that this had caused significant irritation to the watchless forearm in the form of a massive, red swelling that vaguely itches. Thanks, world. Time to take 3 Advil and pray for my liver. FYI: The big red bump is probably incubating it's own AIDS strain as we speak (even though we're not actually speaking) because the only thing my body does efficiently is harm itself. I am Gangrenous; hear me putrify!

Actually, this is most likely a real-life incident of those urban legends we hear about with some spider/roach/whatever laying eggs in a person's face/mouth, etc. I can't wait! I know, I know, urban legends are about as real as the earth is round. Anyway, I guess I'll just replace my arm with a hook, escape from a mental institution and drive around flashing my highbeams at people's cars until I run over the Noxema girl. WHA? Even I don't know. What I do know is.... there's a killer in the backseat...eating PopRocks and Coke! TERRIFYING! Oh yeah, and I microwaved your dog. Sorry. To be fair, I thought it would be funny. It kind of was.

Alright, I'm done riffing. I apologize.

Whoa. I just felt my lump again. It is rock hard, people. Oh, and it ROCKS HARD.

At least it wasn't another mosquito bite on my eye. Those are itch-tastic.

UPDATE: I think this is actually a spider bite, as I've identified two puncture wounds (fang-marks). Sick.