I'm Not Calling This My Best Work or Anything
It seems like I only do stuff when I'm avoiding doing other stuff. The weird thing is, the things I avoid doing aren't any more annoying than the things I do instead; I think they just revolve around in circle, with each thing getting its day in the sun to be either avoided or done.
The previous paragraph is just another example of writing that would get my college degree revoked.
What I'm really saying is that I should be working on scholarship applications, school assignments, and studying for my anatomy test, which will introduce me to an extra-special level of hell when I walk into it ill-prepared (meaning I studied only 72 hours straight instead of 96). That's what you get when you give me two weeks off school with nothing to do. Thanks, Jews. Who loves ya?
If you only knew.
Or, should I say, if you only Jew. Eh? EH?
What I really mean is this: I wish I were Jewish.
Anyhoo, I've already resolved to make this post a veritable grab-bag of the loosey-goosey, so I feel there's no reason to stop it from careening down that course. Commence stream of consciousness interrupted only by enumeration in T-minus two lines.
1) Today I spent all day in bed because it was raining and I hate that sort of thing.
2) Yesterday, I awoke to hear my lanlord's sister IN MY APARTMENT trying to deposit a bag of recyclables "mistakenly" littered with yogurt containers, which are apparently "not recyclables," causing said landlord's sister to recieve a $25 ticket from the city of New York. It is unclear whether or not I will be responsible for this ticket. In the history of recyclables, haven't yogurt containers always been a part of this group? Am I going insane? Is there some sort of recyclables ticket blitz? I've never gotten a ticket before, and I consume Stonyfield Farms Chocolate O'Soy yogurts like they're IV bags and I'm on a constant drip. If someone tries to tell me that those containers are lying in a landfill in Staten Island somewhere, I'm going to cry a big salty tear for our maligned earth. Seriously. (Editor's Note: Look, I know I don't get the whole "apartment living" thing and I know I do things like bounce utility checks and "forget" to take out the garbage, but I made a serious effort with those recyclables. Really.)
3) As I'm most decidedly "in for the evening," I just got terrified that Wednesday is the Secret Terrible Television Night.* I can never remember which night is the Secret Terrible Television Night; I always mistakenly think it's Monday, and then I end up missing Arrested Development like a jayhole. There was a time I was going out pretty consistenly on Wednesday nights to my fave comedy show, but my month-long moratorium on going out/drinking/spending money/hijinx has kept me at the ole homestead. Now I remember America's Next Top Model is on Wednesdays, which is an awful show that I've been addicted to in the past but am not wild about right now. In this particular episode, the judges made all of the girls write down each others body flaws so the flaws could be read aloud in front of everyone. I wish I could have watched more of it, but I had to throw up my third dinner before it settled. In any case, I don't like watching a lot of tv, but like many people of my generation, the background of my life seems oddly empty without visual images flickering noisily in it. HOLY SHIT I JUST REMEMBERED THAT WEDNESDAY IS NOT SECRET TERRIBLE TELEVISION NIGHT BUT IN FACT THE NIGHT THAT MOTHERFUCKING "LOST" IS ON. I'm totally phoning in the rest of this post. Now that I'm thinking about it, you know what other show is pretty good? Super Nanny. No effing joke. Kids are totally insane.
4) Do those political smear commericals on tv remind anyone else of the competing grocery stores sketch on Mr. Show?
5) I'm a bad person because I love these sorts of things.
6) What's this movie with Nicholas Cage? Can he go away now? Yeah yeah Adaptation yeah yeah Leaving Las Vegas. But everything else?
7) In its infancy, I really didn't know how to feel about the American version of The Office. Then I watched it last night. Now I've decided that it's amazing. You know, just in case anyone was wondering. I realized, though, that Ricky Gervais was the epicenter of funny in the original Office, and the supporting characters orbited him in their own funny galaxies. In the American Office, however, I respond more to the supporting characters than I do to Steve Corell, who I like very much but find to be less of a humor-powerhouse in this show. That said, the secondary supporting characters in the American version (ie, not Jim and Pam, or the Tim and Dawn of the BBC version) are somewhat disappointing, and I didn't really like Dwight much (the BBC's Garreth character)until last night, when he exhibited some real brilliance at times (A hollowed out Physician's Desk Reference filled with waterproof matches and Harry Potter's Prisoner of Azkaban! HA.). That's it for scintillating analysis.
8) Please include these guys in your pre-Thanksgiving dinner prayer. Then continue thinking about them as you eat.
9) Re: #8, I was working on something important the other day with some "colleagues" in an environment that required "professionalism," and I couldn't resist bringing up that story even though it had the potential to be poorly recieved. True to the spirit of the sory, though, it wasn't.
10) So, if every movie basically in existence is going to be eventually remade (this post was prompted by a trailer for The Fog), I have a suggestion about the next top-priority remake project in Hollywood. Speaking of throwing up, that's what I did IMMEDIATELY after seeing this movie when I was 13 years old. It could have been the Stew Leonard's frozen pizza, which was 10 different kinds of disgusting all in one pizza (suggested commerical: someone bent over a toilet bowl vomiting when his/her significant other walks by the bathroom, looks in sympathetically and says "Next time, we won't get delivery." The helpless vomitor turns from the toilet to the doorway, croaking out a faint "It's not delivery; it's disgusting-" then aims right back at the bowl to let loose more pizza-ralph fury. Stew Leonard's: if you like barfing and tax evasion, come check us out!).
So I guess that's it for the worst post ever.
Oh, PS: Batman Begins comes out on tuesday, for anyone else who thought it was awesome and is not a weird dork. Wanna watch it with me, mythical person of the opposite sex? You can even be a weird dork; that's totally cool, too.
*At first I was embarassed that I forgot about Lost being on, but it occurs to me now that I'm left with nothing to watch afterwards that there is only about a half an hour of good television (if that) on any given night (at least on the network channels; since I'm poor, I can't afford to have any effing Six Feet Under wine and cheese parties with the rest of you upwardly mobile jerks) and SOMETIMES, there's an hour, but never any more than that. It seems like there are a handful of good shows on that are scattered throughout the week and throughout the networks (Unless I'm mistaken, the rockingest power-hours of television existed when the TGIF lineup on ABC was as follows: Full House, Perfect Strangers, Mr. Belvedere, and Just the Ten of Us. Someone please inform me if this line-up in fact existed or if I'm just playing a game I like to call "Fantasy TV Line-Up," which is a lot like fantasy football except much more worthwhile and complex). But that was before the 10pm-11pm hour was a viable one for hour-long dramas and dramedies, a development I think we can all agree didn't occur until '98 or so. All I know is this: Law and Order is totally the Meat'normous of television shows.
The previous paragraph is just another example of writing that would get my college degree revoked.
What I'm really saying is that I should be working on scholarship applications, school assignments, and studying for my anatomy test, which will introduce me to an extra-special level of hell when I walk into it ill-prepared (meaning I studied only 72 hours straight instead of 96). That's what you get when you give me two weeks off school with nothing to do. Thanks, Jews. Who loves ya?
If you only knew.
Or, should I say, if you only Jew. Eh? EH?
What I really mean is this: I wish I were Jewish.
Anyhoo, I've already resolved to make this post a veritable grab-bag of the loosey-goosey, so I feel there's no reason to stop it from careening down that course. Commence stream of consciousness interrupted only by enumeration in T-minus two lines.
1) Today I spent all day in bed because it was raining and I hate that sort of thing.
2) Yesterday, I awoke to hear my lanlord's sister IN MY APARTMENT trying to deposit a bag of recyclables "mistakenly" littered with yogurt containers, which are apparently "not recyclables," causing said landlord's sister to recieve a $25 ticket from the city of New York. It is unclear whether or not I will be responsible for this ticket. In the history of recyclables, haven't yogurt containers always been a part of this group? Am I going insane? Is there some sort of recyclables ticket blitz? I've never gotten a ticket before, and I consume Stonyfield Farms Chocolate O'Soy yogurts like they're IV bags and I'm on a constant drip. If someone tries to tell me that those containers are lying in a landfill in Staten Island somewhere, I'm going to cry a big salty tear for our maligned earth. Seriously. (Editor's Note: Look, I know I don't get the whole "apartment living" thing and I know I do things like bounce utility checks and "forget" to take out the garbage, but I made a serious effort with those recyclables. Really.)
3) As I'm most decidedly "in for the evening," I just got terrified that Wednesday is the Secret Terrible Television Night.* I can never remember which night is the Secret Terrible Television Night; I always mistakenly think it's Monday, and then I end up missing Arrested Development like a jayhole. There was a time I was going out pretty consistenly on Wednesday nights to my fave comedy show, but my month-long moratorium on going out/drinking/spending money/hijinx has kept me at the ole homestead. Now I remember America's Next Top Model is on Wednesdays, which is an awful show that I've been addicted to in the past but am not wild about right now. In this particular episode, the judges made all of the girls write down each others body flaws so the flaws could be read aloud in front of everyone. I wish I could have watched more of it, but I had to throw up my third dinner before it settled. In any case, I don't like watching a lot of tv, but like many people of my generation, the background of my life seems oddly empty without visual images flickering noisily in it. HOLY SHIT I JUST REMEMBERED THAT WEDNESDAY IS NOT SECRET TERRIBLE TELEVISION NIGHT BUT IN FACT THE NIGHT THAT MOTHERFUCKING "LOST" IS ON. I'm totally phoning in the rest of this post. Now that I'm thinking about it, you know what other show is pretty good? Super Nanny. No effing joke. Kids are totally insane.
4) Do those political smear commericals on tv remind anyone else of the competing grocery stores sketch on Mr. Show?
5) I'm a bad person because I love these sorts of things.
6) What's this movie with Nicholas Cage? Can he go away now? Yeah yeah Adaptation yeah yeah Leaving Las Vegas. But everything else?
7) In its infancy, I really didn't know how to feel about the American version of The Office. Then I watched it last night. Now I've decided that it's amazing. You know, just in case anyone was wondering. I realized, though, that Ricky Gervais was the epicenter of funny in the original Office, and the supporting characters orbited him in their own funny galaxies. In the American Office, however, I respond more to the supporting characters than I do to Steve Corell, who I like very much but find to be less of a humor-powerhouse in this show. That said, the secondary supporting characters in the American version (ie, not Jim and Pam, or the Tim and Dawn of the BBC version) are somewhat disappointing, and I didn't really like Dwight much (the BBC's Garreth character)until last night, when he exhibited some real brilliance at times (A hollowed out Physician's Desk Reference filled with waterproof matches and Harry Potter's Prisoner of Azkaban! HA.). That's it for scintillating analysis.
8) Please include these guys in your pre-Thanksgiving dinner prayer. Then continue thinking about them as you eat.
9) Re: #8, I was working on something important the other day with some "colleagues" in an environment that required "professionalism," and I couldn't resist bringing up that story even though it had the potential to be poorly recieved. True to the spirit of the sory, though, it wasn't.
10) So, if every movie basically in existence is going to be eventually remade (this post was prompted by a trailer for The Fog), I have a suggestion about the next top-priority remake project in Hollywood. Speaking of throwing up, that's what I did IMMEDIATELY after seeing this movie when I was 13 years old. It could have been the Stew Leonard's frozen pizza, which was 10 different kinds of disgusting all in one pizza (suggested commerical: someone bent over a toilet bowl vomiting when his/her significant other walks by the bathroom, looks in sympathetically and says "Next time, we won't get delivery." The helpless vomitor turns from the toilet to the doorway, croaking out a faint "It's not delivery; it's disgusting-" then aims right back at the bowl to let loose more pizza-ralph fury. Stew Leonard's: if you like barfing and tax evasion, come check us out!).
So I guess that's it for the worst post ever.
Oh, PS: Batman Begins comes out on tuesday, for anyone else who thought it was awesome and is not a weird dork. Wanna watch it with me, mythical person of the opposite sex? You can even be a weird dork; that's totally cool, too.
*At first I was embarassed that I forgot about Lost being on, but it occurs to me now that I'm left with nothing to watch afterwards that there is only about a half an hour of good television (if that) on any given night (at least on the network channels; since I'm poor, I can't afford to have any effing Six Feet Under wine and cheese parties with the rest of you upwardly mobile jerks) and SOMETIMES, there's an hour, but never any more than that. It seems like there are a handful of good shows on that are scattered throughout the week and throughout the networks (Unless I'm mistaken, the rockingest power-hours of television existed when the TGIF lineup on ABC was as follows: Full House, Perfect Strangers, Mr. Belvedere, and Just the Ten of Us. Someone please inform me if this line-up in fact existed or if I'm just playing a game I like to call "Fantasy TV Line-Up," which is a lot like fantasy football except much more worthwhile and complex). But that was before the 10pm-11pm hour was a viable one for hour-long dramas and dramedies, a development I think we can all agree didn't occur until '98 or so. All I know is this: Law and Order is totally the Meat'normous of television shows.
posted by K at 4:13 PM
1 Comments:
Awesome post, me!
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