The Apocalypse is Upon Us and It's Being Aired on VH1
So as I mentioned earlier, I don't have cable because I'm totally poor. When I do get a chance to watch cable, I'm reminded of the fact that all of these recent natural disasters (hurricanes Katrina, Ophelia, and Rita; the recent earthquake in south Asia) are not, in fact, indicators of The Rapture. No, raining hellfire is now the exclusive province of VH1, which is rapidly counting down the coming armageddon in increments of crazy like that gigantic Olympic Countdown Ticker in Union Square.
Exhibit A: Breaking Bonaduce, a meltdown in real time.
Exhibit B: The Surreal Life 5, a big silicone boob of bile and evil.
Seriously, these are the two scariest television shows I've ever seen. They make me feel like Lost is really happening.
To be precise, each show provokes a slightly different response from me. The Surreal Life is so absurd that it's hard to take it seriously, but it's still sort of intriguing (albeit disgusting). It's like this time I went to Friendly's many, many years ago with my two sisters and I put barbecue sauce in my Conehead Sundae as a joke but then it still tasted good but with the unmistakeable tang of barbecue sauce flavoring it nonetheless, rendering it completely wrong yet impossible to leave alone. Then, I watched as a cool teen from the next booth told the rest of his cool teen friends what I had done, and they all laughed with shock and disgust. The Surreal Life 5 is exactly like that entire sequence of events: sickly-sweet, tangy, shocking, voyeuristic, and Conehead.
Also, Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth is the most ridiculous, irrelevant person in the entire world. I like to call her the Omarosa Borealis because she's like a crazy, insane light show that gives people seizures. If I had to guess, I'd say that the entire inside of her head is not in fact filled with brain, but instead, the computer brain of the robot "BeeBee" from the 1986 film Deadly Friend, starring Kristy Swanson and Ann Ramsey (of Throw Momma From the Train and Goonies fame). In this case, BeeBee is made up completely of overblown ego, and he will eventually burst out of her head like the final scene from Deadly Friend, which I think we can all agree made absolutely no sense but was still awesome. Personally, I prefer the scene in which Kristy Swanson throws a basketball at Anne Ransey's head with so much super-undead-robot strength that Ramsey's head completely breaks apart, flying everywhere. However, let's not underestimate how thick and hard Omarosa's head is, so speculation on any of these points may be moot.
Omarosa has a breakthrough on the "Dirty Laudry" segment of The Surreal Life 5.
In a simpler, more innocent time, I would tune in to the first season of The Apprentice to watch a fellow alumnus of my high school, who was one of the "contestants." This was Ereka Vetrini, star of numerous school plays such as "Annie Get Your Gun" and "Oklahoma." I didn't know Ereka that well but she seemed like a lovely person nonetheless. She was particularly nice to me when I tried out for "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown" in 7th grade, which is to say she didn't scream in terror when I sang my audition solo (I didn't get the part, probably because I was a 12 year-old girl with a voice like a Barry White-Harvey Fierstein hybrid). She did a dance routine to Don Henley's "All She Wants to Do is Dance," for eff's sake. Then, Omarosa accused her of being a racist on the show in one of the most disgusting, sensationalistic and grossly defamatory displays I've ever seen. The two ladies were in an argument, and in response to something Omarosa said, Ereka said "That's the pot calling the kettle black." Omarosa then accused Ereka of being a racist. So for everyone paying attention, one of the following had occurred:
1) Omarosa misunderstood a commonly used expression and assumed it was a racist comment.
2) Omarosa deliberately called the comment racist even though she knew that it was not a racist comment.
3) Omarosa heard only part of the comment and thought it was racist.
4) Omarosa experienced a psychotic break typical of psychotic people.
In any case, this is the kind of accusation that a person might make so that no one notices that the accuser is actually a pair of pantyhose filled with pillow-stuffing. This was the beginning of the end for me and Omarosa. That said, please got to Omarosa's website. It is incredible. By "incredible," I mean "ludicrous, hysterically over the top, and filled with typographical errors."
Breaking Bonaduce, however, crosses the crazybridge into ACTUALLY disgusting territory. Can people really be filming this? Remember when everyone in the world leaned over and whispered the following criticism to a friend while watching The Blair Witch Project: "Why didn't they put down the camera and stop filming as soon as everything got fucked up?" The answer from the crew at Breaking Bonaduce is, well, that's just doesn't make for good television.
Note to the makers of Behind the Music: add The Partridge Family episode to the "Premature" file.
1. Britney Spears
2. Creed
3. Danny Bonaduce
The scene in which Mr. Bonaduce rides some sort of montster truck-skateboard hybrid to a liquor store and drinks almost an entire bottle of Absolut (YES, I know it wasn't the regular-sized bottle) in one gulp is, well, disturbing. This isn't ice cream and barbecue sauce stuff, folks. It's more like broken dreams cream and drug-induced rage sauce.
It's not VH1, but accept a humble Exhibit C:
He touched Whitney Houston's excrement for love.
In other news...
The new James Bond may be controversial to some, but he's good news to me! Has anyone seen Enduring Love? Not perfect, but totally fucked!
Sorry, time to watch Nightly News with Brian Williams, my new favorite show. If I had cable, I'd be watching Anderson Cooper 360, which on CNN means "360 degrees" but in my mind means "the number of times I think about how ridiculously good-looking Anderson Cooper is in one hour."
ADDENDUM: This post just refuses to die. After rereading it, there are some things I want to add:
1) The marketing geniuses at VH1 have something on their website called "The V-Spot." I don't know what it is, but that name is an entire advertising class that teaches itself.
2) Deadly Friend is totally part of our cultural consciousness and, frankly, I don't want to be a part of a world in which it is not. I'm glad we're all on the same page on that one.
3) The previous point reminds me that the star of Deadly Friend, Matthew Laborteaux, was totally hot and also starred in some choice Little House on the Praire, my friends.
4) Has anyone seen the British mystery mini-series The Ice House besides my mom and I? It is perhaps Daniel Craig's finest work, though I haven't seen Layer Cake. The mad make-out sesh between him and Sienna "I Must Have Had the Hottest Woman in the Entire World for a Nanny or the Biggest Moron in the World for a Boyfriend" Miller in that movie is reportedly quite hot, so I really should educate myself.
Exhibit A: Breaking Bonaduce, a meltdown in real time.
Exhibit B: The Surreal Life 5, a big silicone boob of bile and evil.
Seriously, these are the two scariest television shows I've ever seen. They make me feel like Lost is really happening.
To be precise, each show provokes a slightly different response from me. The Surreal Life is so absurd that it's hard to take it seriously, but it's still sort of intriguing (albeit disgusting). It's like this time I went to Friendly's many, many years ago with my two sisters and I put barbecue sauce in my Conehead Sundae as a joke but then it still tasted good but with the unmistakeable tang of barbecue sauce flavoring it nonetheless, rendering it completely wrong yet impossible to leave alone. Then, I watched as a cool teen from the next booth told the rest of his cool teen friends what I had done, and they all laughed with shock and disgust. The Surreal Life 5 is exactly like that entire sequence of events: sickly-sweet, tangy, shocking, voyeuristic, and Conehead.
Also, Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth is the most ridiculous, irrelevant person in the entire world. I like to call her the Omarosa Borealis because she's like a crazy, insane light show that gives people seizures. If I had to guess, I'd say that the entire inside of her head is not in fact filled with brain, but instead, the computer brain of the robot "BeeBee" from the 1986 film Deadly Friend, starring Kristy Swanson and Ann Ramsey (of Throw Momma From the Train and Goonies fame). In this case, BeeBee is made up completely of overblown ego, and he will eventually burst out of her head like the final scene from Deadly Friend, which I think we can all agree made absolutely no sense but was still awesome. Personally, I prefer the scene in which Kristy Swanson throws a basketball at Anne Ransey's head with so much super-undead-robot strength that Ramsey's head completely breaks apart, flying everywhere. However, let's not underestimate how thick and hard Omarosa's head is, so speculation on any of these points may be moot.
Omarosa has a breakthrough on the "Dirty Laudry" segment of The Surreal Life 5.
In a simpler, more innocent time, I would tune in to the first season of The Apprentice to watch a fellow alumnus of my high school, who was one of the "contestants." This was Ereka Vetrini, star of numerous school plays such as "Annie Get Your Gun" and "Oklahoma." I didn't know Ereka that well but she seemed like a lovely person nonetheless. She was particularly nice to me when I tried out for "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown" in 7th grade, which is to say she didn't scream in terror when I sang my audition solo (I didn't get the part, probably because I was a 12 year-old girl with a voice like a Barry White-Harvey Fierstein hybrid). She did a dance routine to Don Henley's "All She Wants to Do is Dance," for eff's sake. Then, Omarosa accused her of being a racist on the show in one of the most disgusting, sensationalistic and grossly defamatory displays I've ever seen. The two ladies were in an argument, and in response to something Omarosa said, Ereka said "That's the pot calling the kettle black." Omarosa then accused Ereka of being a racist. So for everyone paying attention, one of the following had occurred:
1) Omarosa misunderstood a commonly used expression and assumed it was a racist comment.
2) Omarosa deliberately called the comment racist even though she knew that it was not a racist comment.
3) Omarosa heard only part of the comment and thought it was racist.
4) Omarosa experienced a psychotic break typical of psychotic people.
In any case, this is the kind of accusation that a person might make so that no one notices that the accuser is actually a pair of pantyhose filled with pillow-stuffing. This was the beginning of the end for me and Omarosa. That said, please got to Omarosa's website. It is incredible. By "incredible," I mean "ludicrous, hysterically over the top, and filled with typographical errors."
Breaking Bonaduce, however, crosses the crazybridge into ACTUALLY disgusting territory. Can people really be filming this? Remember when everyone in the world leaned over and whispered the following criticism to a friend while watching The Blair Witch Project: "Why didn't they put down the camera and stop filming as soon as everything got fucked up?" The answer from the crew at Breaking Bonaduce is, well, that's just doesn't make for good television.
Note to the makers of Behind the Music: add The Partridge Family episode to the "Premature" file.
1. Britney Spears
2. Creed
3. Danny Bonaduce
The scene in which Mr. Bonaduce rides some sort of montster truck-skateboard hybrid to a liquor store and drinks almost an entire bottle of Absolut (YES, I know it wasn't the regular-sized bottle) in one gulp is, well, disturbing. This isn't ice cream and barbecue sauce stuff, folks. It's more like broken dreams cream and drug-induced rage sauce.
It's not VH1, but accept a humble Exhibit C:
He touched Whitney Houston's excrement for love.
In other news...
The new James Bond may be controversial to some, but he's good news to me! Has anyone seen Enduring Love? Not perfect, but totally fucked!
Sorry, time to watch Nightly News with Brian Williams, my new favorite show. If I had cable, I'd be watching Anderson Cooper 360, which on CNN means "360 degrees" but in my mind means "the number of times I think about how ridiculously good-looking Anderson Cooper is in one hour."
ADDENDUM: This post just refuses to die. After rereading it, there are some things I want to add:
1) The marketing geniuses at VH1 have something on their website called "The V-Spot." I don't know what it is, but that name is an entire advertising class that teaches itself.
2) Deadly Friend is totally part of our cultural consciousness and, frankly, I don't want to be a part of a world in which it is not. I'm glad we're all on the same page on that one.
3) The previous point reminds me that the star of Deadly Friend, Matthew Laborteaux, was totally hot and also starred in some choice Little House on the Praire, my friends.
4) Has anyone seen the British mystery mini-series The Ice House besides my mom and I? It is perhaps Daniel Craig's finest work, though I haven't seen Layer Cake. The mad make-out sesh between him and Sienna "I Must Have Had the Hottest Woman in the Entire World for a Nanny or the Biggest Moron in the World for a Boyfriend" Miller in that movie is reportedly quite hot, so I really should educate myself.
posted by K at 1:31 PM
2 Comments:
So, K: once again you have given me blog envy. Dammit. Point for point, you have outmatched me in hilarity and insight. Kudos. I hate that one-named entity, Omarosa. Who does she think she is? Madonna? Ming-Na? Sheesh. And I agree wholeheartedly about Breaking Bonaduce: I get a similar feeling of wrongness to that I experienced when seeing the L.A. coroner poke a corpse's eyeball with a tweezer on some A&E show. Ewwwww.
Addendum to my comment: seriously, mang. I tell everyone to read your blog because it's the absolute LIMIT! When you get famous, can I ride your coat-tails? I am a star-caliber mooch.
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