Sweet Jesus Fox 5, What is This Cinematic Gem?

And why have I not seen it before?

I just stumbled upon "Sweet Home Alabama," starring that perky-as-a-breast Reese Witherspoon* (seriously, she might as well have a big, erect nipple jutting from her forehead. Okay, I've effectively grossed myself out for the next century for the sake of this more-weird-than-funny "joke") and from what I can gather, it's a movie I could really sink my "sweet" tooth into (tee hee!).

Apparently, Reese Witherspoon is country-turned-city girl returning to her home in "Alabama," her titular (ha) birthplace, to get a divorce from her country-hottie high school boyfriend (Josh Lucas, or as I like to call him, Just Delicious!), who she apparently married while young, foolish, and, naturally, pregnant. She must tie up this "embarassing" loose end before marrying the mayor of New York's son, Patrick Dempsey (no, not a Bloomberg...it's "LOVERBOY"**). I think this is what's happening, anyway, as I missed a good chunk of the beginning. Alarmingly, I was able to catch up pretty quickly, despite the novel premise, complex performances, and shocking lack of cliches (that was a joke). The missing baby is never discussed, though I'm sure it did what all unwanted southern babies do: ride a marshmallow and powdered sugar cloud of love up to ever-loving baby heaven.

BUT NOTHING IS AS IT SEEMS HERE IN "ALABAMA," AS I'M SURE YOU'VE ALREADY GUESSED. The truth is, Reese gave her heart away a long time ago, and she never got it back, so she can't marry Patrick Dempsey, or so she says to him DURING THE WEDDING CEREMONY. Tearful confessions, kissing, and deserved punching of south-bashers ensue, to my delight.

Favorite line:

Josh Lucas: "I can't control her any more than I can control the weather."

Or was it, "Go back to your double-wide and fry something," maybe?

Isn't Faulkner awesome? And they say he's "inaccessible."

*I don't mean to be a total asshole (lie), but does anyone else think that after the whole Jude Law cheating thing, it's only a matter of time before the Ryan Phillippe shoe drops? Sorry, Reese, but if Sienna Miller can't hold a man, there certainly isn't a snowball's chance in Hades for the rest of us, with or without movie careers, cellulite-free legs, major boobage and totally cute running outfits.
**Patrick Dempsey can totally deliver a pizza to my womb anytime, and I won't make him pay me to date him so my mother doesn't find out I stained her white leather separate set and had to pay to replace it. Seriously. Patrick: let's ride a tractor together forever.