Subway for Nothing, Chips for Free, or No More Free Subbos for Chubbos
This evening, I decided to indulge in a delicious sandwich from my favorite fast food sandwich shop, Subway. As per usual, I made sure to request my sandwich stamp (okay, "stamps," plural. Yeah, it was a twelve-inch. I was hungry) so that I could earn a free sandwich once I've filled up my Sub-Club Card with the stamps of delicious sandwiches past. To the sandwich artist, I said:
"My good man, could you please bestow upon me, in addition to the delicious comestibles I have purchased, two vouchers for my Sub-Club Card so that I may enjoy what I like to call a "gratissandwich" at some later point in time when, like my heart when I enter your establishment, said card is filled to bursting?"
And then, I recieved the most jarring, hatefully confounding two-word response of recent memory:
"No stamps."
Then, this:
"No more stamps."
I guess it was only a matter of time before the Subway gravy train careened off the tracks. I guess I had no right to expect a free sandwich from Subway UNTIL THEY GAVE ME A REASON. YOU CAN'T JUST GO TAKING THAT BACK WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT, ASS. So the Sub Club is no more, then? I guess it was always a scam anyway, since the sandwich earned by filling a card was only given with the purchase of a soda, something I found out THE HARD WAY. I never understood this because every soda I've ever had at Subway has been 10 parts syrup and 1 part soda water, which makes little sense from a business standpoint, because I would think that the syrup would be the expensive ingredient (being that it contains all the important FLAVORIZERS and DEATH CHEMICALS) whereas soda water is just...bubbly water. And everyone knows America's got clean and free drinking water oozing from every orifice. The result tastes like a glass of two-week old diet coke I accidentally drank once after leaving it on my desk by accident. Subway seems to follow this same 10/1 ratio in the preparation of its tuna salad, which I accidentally witnessed once and have never recovered from. Picture a vat of mayonnaise the size of tire and a can of tuna the size of, well, a can of tuna.
You'll recall that the Tuna Club was the sandwich that that Jared dude used to eat all the time to lose weight and become the Subway spokesman.
"Subwaysan."
In light of the evidence, I'm more inclined to believe it was a tapeworm and not all that mayo that helped him slim down.
Don't tell this guy he can't have a free sub...IN YOUR INTESTINE.
I know what I must do. The race is on, fellow subwaytards. If my suspicions are correct, like America's Civil Rights laws, we still have time before this decree is enforced en masse. I pray that disdain for their jobs and a general malaise will compel Subway employees to comply with my wishes rather than those of a company that basically encourages franchisees to put each other out of business. All I know is I just need two more stamps on my card before I am entitled to a free 6" sub of my effing choosing, and woe betide he who does not give me my turkey sub with extra pickles and yellow mustard that I'm sure is dying my insides with it's flourescent coloring. I could have been enjoying a free Sub and rancid cola right now if those ay-holes hadn't denied me my stamps. While walking home, I passed another Subway and I actually considered going in, showing my receipt and asking for two stamps in the hope that they had not yet recieved the memo on the fall of the Sub Club. I didn't do it because there was a long line and I didn't want to make a big fuss. All I could think of was the people inside thinking I was homeless. All I want is a free sandwich, Subway. Look what you've reduced me to.
"My good man, could you please bestow upon me, in addition to the delicious comestibles I have purchased, two vouchers for my Sub-Club Card so that I may enjoy what I like to call a "gratissandwich" at some later point in time when, like my heart when I enter your establishment, said card is filled to bursting?"
And then, I recieved the most jarring, hatefully confounding two-word response of recent memory:
"No stamps."
Then, this:
"No more stamps."
I guess it was only a matter of time before the Subway gravy train careened off the tracks. I guess I had no right to expect a free sandwich from Subway UNTIL THEY GAVE ME A REASON. YOU CAN'T JUST GO TAKING THAT BACK WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT, ASS. So the Sub Club is no more, then? I guess it was always a scam anyway, since the sandwich earned by filling a card was only given with the purchase of a soda, something I found out THE HARD WAY. I never understood this because every soda I've ever had at Subway has been 10 parts syrup and 1 part soda water, which makes little sense from a business standpoint, because I would think that the syrup would be the expensive ingredient (being that it contains all the important FLAVORIZERS and DEATH CHEMICALS) whereas soda water is just...bubbly water. And everyone knows America's got clean and free drinking water oozing from every orifice. The result tastes like a glass of two-week old diet coke I accidentally drank once after leaving it on my desk by accident. Subway seems to follow this same 10/1 ratio in the preparation of its tuna salad, which I accidentally witnessed once and have never recovered from. Picture a vat of mayonnaise the size of tire and a can of tuna the size of, well, a can of tuna.
You'll recall that the Tuna Club was the sandwich that that Jared dude used to eat all the time to lose weight and become the Subway spokesman.
"Subwaysan."
In light of the evidence, I'm more inclined to believe it was a tapeworm and not all that mayo that helped him slim down.
Don't tell this guy he can't have a free sub...IN YOUR INTESTINE.
I know what I must do. The race is on, fellow subwaytards. If my suspicions are correct, like America's Civil Rights laws, we still have time before this decree is enforced en masse. I pray that disdain for their jobs and a general malaise will compel Subway employees to comply with my wishes rather than those of a company that basically encourages franchisees to put each other out of business. All I know is I just need two more stamps on my card before I am entitled to a free 6" sub of my effing choosing, and woe betide he who does not give me my turkey sub with extra pickles and yellow mustard that I'm sure is dying my insides with it's flourescent coloring. I could have been enjoying a free Sub and rancid cola right now if those ay-holes hadn't denied me my stamps. While walking home, I passed another Subway and I actually considered going in, showing my receipt and asking for two stamps in the hope that they had not yet recieved the memo on the fall of the Sub Club. I didn't do it because there was a long line and I didn't want to make a big fuss. All I could think of was the people inside thinking I was homeless. All I want is a free sandwich, Subway. Look what you've reduced me to.
posted by K at 9:21 PM
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