If You're Not Watching Heroes, I Can't Help You

Period.

Thanks, Payless

Did you ever see a "cool" pair of shoes on someone and tirelessly search them out to no avail only to spy an awesome knock-off NOT 2 WEEKS LATER at Payless for $16.99????????

???????




















???????? ?


?....? (still?)

? (but, for real...?)






?


These are the REAL questions, people.

News Items

-GUN CONTROL GUN CONTROL GUN CONTROL GUN CONTROL.*

-My alma mater will school your prison cuz.*

-Paul Rudd is my budd. Er, I mean...I saw Paul Rudd walking around in the city this weekend. SCORE!!! Didn't smell any sex Panther, tho.

*I think the greatest thing about me is the way I minimize great tragedy and great accomplishment. Oh, I meant "the worst thing about me."

This Is My Fave

My Favorite Way to Not Spend Easter with My Family

...is housesitting (I just accidentally typed "hosesitting," which is something very different, I think, unless I'm doing it wrong, and by "it," I mean hosesitting) for my mom, who's DirectTV forced me to realize that cable television is way worse than any illegal drug in its capacity to decimate motivation to do anything other than watch the Lifetime Movie Network and Scrubs reruns.

If I may digress for a moment, I am endlessly frustrated by the fact that EVERY TIME I write or type the possessive contraction "its" or the contractible copula "it's" (ie, "it is"), I have to go back and make sure that I've used (or not used) the apostrophe appropriately. What I've noticed is that I tend to always include the apostrophe, so I'm inevitable wrong half the time, even though I KNOW when it's used correctly (SEE), yet like a tail that refuses to stay pinned on a donkey, that rule just won't remain at the same unconscious level that capitalization of first letters in a sentence and periods at the end do. IT MAKES ME FEEL A CAPITAL DUNCE. However, FULL DISCLOSURE: the debacle always reminds me that in Italian, the word "apostrophe" is pronounced "AH-po-STROFE," with the last part pronounced like the word "loaf." Funny.

Anysnooze, the addition of CHILLER, a new channel in the DirectTV line-up, only made things worse. At first I was excited about it because I LOVE horror movies, and then I actually watched the channel and realized that it shows some ok (but more like "eh") movies ("Bride of Chucky," anyone?) but mostly shows a lot of Tales from the Crypt, Freddy's Nightmares, and The New Alfred Hitchcock Presents, which is worse because even though those shows are terrible, I'm still drawn to them and MUST watch them, perhaps because they are SO bizarre and terrible. Furthermore, I was actually upset because they didn't seem to be showing The Hitchhiker, a far superior mystery/suspense/scary story serial which used to be on USA when I was a teenager. I remember that show being very weird and good, but I was also 14, so I may have just been easily impressed/creeped out. I had just about convinced myself that I had made the show up in my mind, but I managed to fish the intro out of the YOUTUBE mire (Hey youtube, here's your new slogan: "YOUTUBE: What do you need? Cuz, it's like, we have it. Footage of your own birth? Yep. Footage of your own death? It's in the works."). I think the music is the creepiest part, although if you've never seen this show before, you probably won't think much of the intro as it's kinda weak by today's standards. Ob-seruv:



I'm actively stopping myself from beginning a "critical discussion" of the finer points of these shows as it would not be the best idea, methinks (alright, just for a second: I always thought Tales from the Crypt was charmingly playful and more true to its original comic book roots, whereas The New Alfred Hitchcock Presents was pretty terrible and always predictable [the original series was good though]; I really haven't seen enough episodes of Night Gallery to judge, though I've heard it's not great, and don't even get me started on the Twilight Zone ["IT'S A MUFUGGIN COOKBOOK!!!!!!"=AWESOME] and the Hitchhiker just generally seemed the creepiest...ahhh. There, I'm done. Wow: I'm an incredible freak)...

AND THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS WHY I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

UPDATE: Don't believe me re: The Hitchhiker? Just read this weirdo's ridiculous IMDB comment that makes me embarassed to a) like the Hitchhiker, and b) be a speaker of the English language:

One of the best suspense and thriller series in TV history., 29 May 2001
Author: Brian-272 from Oakwood, Virginia USA
"The, Hitchhiker" had it all mixed into every episode a little suspense, drama, terror, revenge, sex, and fun. This series always kept you on the edge of your seat you never knew what was going to happen, every episode was well written and the acting was clever the series featured many movie stars and stars of other series. I remember watching most of my episodes of "The, Hitchhiker" in the early 90's on the USA Network it became an every Friday and Saturday night thing with me that was to tune in and watch "The, Hitchhiker". I remember that HBO originally started this series in the mid 80's and it lasted until 1989. Each episode starts out with the eerie theme music which in my opinion was one of the best in TV history. Then Page Fletcher who was just great as the hitchhiker starts each episode off with an introduction speech and then summarized the story with a closing speech in the end. Each episode was full of mystery and suspense one of my favorite was "The, Legendary Billy B." with Kirstie Alley as a nosy reporter who gets what she deserves. Almost every episode featured beautiful women and it's bulk of sexy moments. My favorite and most remembered was "Videodate" with the hot and sexy Shannon Tweed. I miss this series so much I wish that some network would once again start showing reruns. To my knowledge no network shows "The, Hitchhiker" reruns, I was told that certain episodes are available on VHS volume tape I wish I could find the tapes or someone would let me know where I could find the tapes at. "The, Hitchhiker" was one of my favorite series of all-time I suggest you watch many episodes if you haven't, you will be glad you did.

With an endorsement like that, how can you go wrong? Hmmm...easily?

Did You Ever See Someone So Hot

...that you suddenly realized there's a whole other world of people that don't look like they barely squeaked into the fugly bin at Dollar General?

I'd love to clog a toilet at one of THEIR hottie parties.

Sorry.

LONG LIVE FUGZ.

Man, now I'm gonna get Christina Aguilera coming around being all "You are beatuiful in every single waaaaay, so don't you bring me down, K." Sowwy, 'stina.