Thanks for the Heads-Up, Daylight Savings Time

I was annoyed, but then I moved time an hour ahead to when I wasn't anymore. Huzzah!

How's This for Role Playing: I'm "Scared Shitless"

I'm not so sure that Dungeons and Dragons is a fantasy role-playing game so much as it is an accurate description of my home and its inhabitants.

I discovered another GIANT roach last night, but fortunately, this one was not located in the bathroom but instead DIRECTLY UNDER A PILE OF CLOTHES ON MY BEDROOM FLOOR...

...ALREADY DEAD.

Hmmm. Okay, a) Gross. B) GROSS. C) Ha ha.

It's a very strange thing to lift up a pair of pants from your floor and discover a thumb-sized (basically) dead roach lying on its back. I wonder what killed it exactly. Was it just kind of hiding out under one article of clothing and was crushed by the addition of another on top of it, or was it just suffocated by the weight or smell of my dirty articles? Perhaps it was the size of my clothing that was just too much for it. Maybe if it were alive, it could tell me because it was so large, I can only assume it had a vocal apparatus approaching the complexity of a human's.

In other news, I noticed that ever since I moved my humoungous, 8 feet tall bookshelf against a different wall in my room, a strange, unidentifiable and irritating sound akin to that of a woodpecker going to town on a telephone pole began to occur every few minutes. What? I know. I desperatley tried to localize the sound, too, by standing in various places in my room and listening. In the mental health field, this is referred to as "psychosis." Anyway, I deduced that since the sound had never occurred pre-bookshelf-move, it had to be related to that. Also, I noticed that the bookshelf wasn't flush against the wall. My solution? I pushed it completely against the wall and now there's no more noise. This means one of two things happened:

1) The bookshelf had perhaps been rocking a little bit and now it's more stable.

Or, more likely...

2) I crushed whatever was back there.

None of this is weird at all. I'm a totally normal person.

My New Posting Technique is Unstoppable

My fave.

Anyway, I've realized that I don't post for a few days, then post like 3-7 posts in one day, then repeat the cycle. I'm so up and down, I don't know how people deal.

Here's some help with that.

Demetri Martin at The Village Theater

Everyone should see Demetri Martin's latest show, These Are Jokes, at The Village Theater. There are still some shows left
so definitely get tickets (I tried to find the image on the promo cards online because it's a drawing of Demetri and is overall awesome, but no luck. That may or may not have been grammatically correct. UNPROFESSIONAL!). I saw the show on thursday night and it was great. I had never been to The Village Theater before and it's a really nice space. The show itself had special significance for me because Demetri was using the same Casio keyboard I had when I was 13. When I heard him play that auto samba beat, my heart just welled up with bloody, bloody tears. I loved that keyboard. Next stop after this: ebay.

Also, I wanted to mention again how awesome Todd Barry is since the last two times I've seen him, he's told people to write about him on their blogs. Yeah, as a joke, but anyway, there you go, Mr. Barry. Don't say *I* never did anything for you.

Friendster, If You're Playing with Me, I Will End You

Thanks for this horoscope.

The Bottom Line

Things will make sense, just look at the details. The answers are hidden there.

In Detail

While you have the chance, better plan a totally unexpected, totally impromptu evening alone with your sweetheart, because the way things are shaping up, you may not have that chance again for a bit. A startling -- no amazing and astounding -- message is en route, and you'll have absolutely no idea how good the content of that message will be until it reaches you. Just for now, keep it under wraps. You'll have plenty of time to brag once it's official.

Coughlin's Law: Don't Knock Up Katie Holmes

Apparently NBC will be airing a remake of The Poseidon Adventure in November. What was wrong with the original? Also, it'll be starring Bryan Brown of the FX movies, though he is perhaps best known for playing the role of Doug Coughlin in Cocktail with Tom Cruise (rumor has it, and this is extememly hush-hush as Tom Cruise is notoriously private, that Mr. Cruise is possibly dating Katie Holmes, and she may be pregnant, but the media has largely ignored this and the reticence of the stars to publicize it has led to a real absence of info. Wouldn't that be weird? Here's how that joke could have gone: does anyone know if Tom Cruise is dating anyone, and if so, who SHE is? Also, Scientology cures dyslexia and depression! No we can all get on with our lives! Oh wait, maybe it was vitamins? THESE JOKES ARE SO FRESH AND TOPICAL).

For those of you out there familiar with Cocktail, I offer Coughlin's Law:

Never remake The Poseidon Adventure unless Shelley Winters is in it again. Oh, and Roddy MacDowell. He had such a hot, foppish british accent, especially when he was screaming and dying in the movie. Sexy.

Also, I know I totally rag on Vincent D'Onofrio, but he looks particularly *cute* in this episode of L&O:CI. I like when he's interrogating someone and he stands up, backs away a little bit, sort of half bends over and looks at the person upside down, literally looking at him or her from a different angle. He's so dark and cunning. Rarrrr....2die4. I totally agree with him about pornography in the workplace. JK. What a weirdo. Still hot, though.

Forget "Trapped in the Closet"

Ladies and Gents, my favorite ditty at the moment, hot and fresh out the kitchen:

"Ignition (Remix)"
R. Kelly

Now, um, usually I dont do this but uh....
Go head' on and break em off wit a lil' preview of the remix....

No I'm not tryin to be rude,
But hey pretty girl I'm feelin you
The way you do the things you do
Remind me of my Lexus coup
Thats why im all up in yo grill
Tryina get you to a hotel
You must be a football coach
The way you got me playin the field

So baby gimme that toot toot
Lemme give you that beep beep
Runnin her hands through my 'fro
Bouncin on 24's
While they say on the radio...

It's the remix to ignition
Hot and fresh out the kitchen
Mama rollin that body
got every man in here wishin
Sippin on coke and rum
I'm like so what I'm drunk
It's the freakin weekend baby
I'm about to have me some fun

Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce
Bounce Bounce Bounce

Now it's like murder she wrote
Once I get you out them clothes
Privacy is on the door
Still they can hear you screamin more
Girl I'm feelin what you feelin
No more hopin and wishin
I'm bout to take my key and
Stick it in the ignition

So baby gimme that toot toot
Lemme give you that beep beep
Runnin her hands through my 'fro
Bouncin on 24's
While they say on the radio...

This is the remix to ignition
Hot and fresh out the kitchen
Mama rollin that body
Got every man in here wishin
Sippin on coke and rum
I'm like so what i'm drunk
It's the freakin weekend baby
I'm about to have me some fun

Crystall poppin in the stretch Navigator
We got food every where
As if the party was catored
We got fellas to my left
Hunnies on my right
We bring em both together we got junkin all night
Then after the show its the (after party)
And after the party its the (hotel lobby)
And round about 4 you gotta (clear the lobby)
Then head take it to the room and freak somebody

Can I get a toot toot
Can I get a beep beep
Runnin her hands through my 'fro
Bouncin on 24's
While they say on the radio...

This is the remix to ignition
Hot and fresh out the kitchen
Mama rollin that body
Got every man in here wishin
Sippin on coke and rum
I'm like so what I'm drunk
It's the freakin weekend baby
I'm about to have me some fun

This is the remix to ignition
Hot and fresh out the kitchen
Mama rollin that body
Got every man in here wishin
Sippin on coke and rum
I'm like so what I'm drunk
It's the freakin weekend baby
I'm about to have me some fun

Girl we off in this jeep
Foggin windows up
Blastin the radio
In the back of my truck
Bouncin up and down
Stroke it round and round
To the remix
We just thuggin it out...

Favorite line: a three-way (appropriate for an R. Kelly song) tie between "I'm like so what I'm drunk," "Runnin her hands through my fro" and "We just thuggin it out."

ADDENDUM: It's actually "Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce."

Please

Please go to www.NBC.com, click on shows, click on The Apprentice, click on the cast, and read the bios of the people on the show right now. Most important, click on the "Up Close" tab and read all about their favorite bands, books, shows and movies because it is unbelievable. I mean unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Prolly I should have just made a link.

Here's Clay, up close (I did not make this up):

What is your favorite music?
I love all music except for rap. It really just depends on my mood. Right know I'm a Michael Bublé, Norah Jones, Mariah Carey, Rob Thomas, Moby, and Gretchen Wilson fan.

What are your favorite books?
My favorite books are the Shopoholic series by Sophie Kinsella. If anyone reads those, it's almost my life!

What are your favorite TV shows?
Friends, most anything on HGTV, most anything on TLC, The Apprentice, The Biggest Looser, I Love Lucy, Saturday Night Live, Extreme Home Makeover, and Las Vegas.

What are your favorite movies?
Napoleon Dynamite, Under the Tuscan Sun, Love Actually, Steel Magnolias, Varsity Blues, Memento, Go, The Birdcage, Big Daddy, Sordid Lives, Harry Potter, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and American Beauty

Yeah, Clay is a guy, btw. Um, Under the Tuscan Sun? Is he fired yet?

Wait , wait, wait: his name is Scooter?

Of course he's been indicted.

What the Fudge?

I'm too lazy to post all the links, but everyone's talking about how the entire 5 boroughs (and possibly tri-state area) smelled like maple syrup yesterday. I thought so last night while walking around near The Village Theater (after seeing Demetri Martin's awesome show, These Are Jokes) and discussed it with my friends at the time, and now the NY Times, Gothamist, and others have written articles about it also. It reminds me of that molasses spill in Boston that actually killed people.

In An Old, Cold, Run-Down Tenement Slum (Tenement Slum)

Memo to crazy landlord's sister who lives below me:

1) Did I hear you screaming last night or was it a dream? Or, alternately, am I living the movie Jacob's Ladder?

2) Last time I checked, I paid for utilities, so how about turning the heat on so I don't die in my bed, clutching the covers in my stiff, frozen fingers?

3) STOP SCREAMING.

Memo to readers:

If this lady sounds toothless, it's because she is. I mean, I did say she was crazy.

HOLY SHIT

I just turned on the World Series to find the announcers discussing...STEVE PERRY, formerly of personal fave band Journey, and the fact that he's a big sox fan. Then personal fave Journey song "Don't Stop Believing" started playing in the background and the announcers started talking about how it's some White Sox player's favorite song (clearly, he's a genius).

And then...

(wait...for...it...)

THEY ZOOMED IN ON STEVE PERRY SITTING IN THE CROWD, WATCHING THE GAME.


Sigh...gulp...seizure...Xanax.


YEAH, THAT STEVE PERRY.


I could just get lost in those aviators.




Well, more like...
















THAT Steve Perry.


Have your pets spayed or neutered, rockers.


How can I let him know I haven't stopped believing? And also that I would run to him with open arms? And that I'm forever his faithfully? And, also, separate ways, only the young, wheel in the sky?

Stupid kitten.

ADDENDUM 10/26/05:
Excellent coverage of this breaking story by Elephant Larry as well, though I'm pretty sure I got "the scoop."

Dakota Fanning Seems to Have a Great Attitude About How Weird She Looks Lately

Am I right or what? Because she does look seriously weird and yet she still soldiers on, making feel-good movies and being a girl scout and all. I had braces, too, and it sucked, but not *that* bad.

Did Anyone See That Movie "The Relic?" Oh, Only Because I Think I Just Killed Its Protagonist In My Bathroom

Mutant bugs are so hot right now. I really like having staring contests with them while I'm urinating.

My favorite game to play after I've "smoked" one of those insects is "Guess How Many More There Could Possibly Be In My Apartment." That game is really fun because I can play it for as long as I want and I'll literally never know the answer.

I wish I had a camera phone during the killing; not because I wanted to easily send a picture of the unbelieveably huge creature to pals, but because I wanted something similar in size to place beside the carcass for scale. I used a shampoo bottle instead because I like to improvise.

This all reminds me of that really terrible horror movie called Frogs. I wish I had made that movie up. Seriously, I do wish that.

BTW, House of Wax on DVD! Right? Right?

Sincerely,
Loser

20 Years From Now, He'll Be Like Zeppellin

A rare, serious, I-wish-I-wrote-comedy-reviews-for-a-living-post:

So I went to both tapings of Eugene Mirman's 2nd comedy cd on the past sunday and monday nights. They were held at the downstairs stage at Piano's on the lower east side. Oddly enough, Ace Frehley's daughter was having a birthday party there upstairs on sunday, so really there was some insane star power there this weekend.

On sunday night, Leo Allen opened up for Mr. Mirman, and monday, Todd Barry did the honors. They each have a very different style and it was nice because they're two comedians I don't often get to see. They added to an already great show.

Eugene took the stage and did some material I had seen before at Invite Them Up, but most of it was new, or at least stuff I had not seen before. The best thing about the show was the relationship that Eugene built with the crowd, which was truly made up of very positive and supportive fans. I think that one of the great things about Eugene is the way he is able to cultivate that type of dynamic with a crowd and perform even better as a result of it. I think some comedians can become lazy or unfocused when they get some success or positivity because they perhaps feel they don't have to work as hard, but that's never been the case with Eugene.

It was interesting to go to both shows. There were some different jokes in each, but for the most part he told the same ones but in slighly different ways. One noteable difference was that Eugene opened the show the second night with a hysterical anecdote about something that happened the night before after the first show. He took the stage monday and said "Have you ever done this before: you get really, really drunk and say something terrible...to Ace Frehley?" As I stated earlier, Ace Frehley's daughter was having a birthday party upstairs at Piano's, and at the end of the night, Ace was leaving the bar drunk with his arm around his daughter. Eugene, drunk, yelled "Don't fuck your daughter!" at him, and there was a terrible moment of recognition on Ace's face that Eugene had just yelled something horrible at him, but he just kept walking. It was pretty funny. There were some technical problems with a prerecorded bit the first night, but they only enabled him to tell more jokes while they were fixed. The second show was generally much tighter and organized, and the technical problems did not reoccur. I vastly preferred the first show, however, because Eugene just got bigger and better laughs and the audience was totally with him the whole show despite (or perhaps because of) the technical difficulties. It just had a better overall vibe. Altogether, it was an awesome set of shows.

So maybe everyone will hear my weird booming laugh on his cd when it comes out?

Cold Stone Doesn't Like Stone Cold Bitches

There is a place. It is called "Cold Stone Creamery." I hate this place. Sort of. I mean, come on, their concoctions are totally delicious.

I went there for a friend's birthday and decided not to get anything because though Cold Stone is delicious, I have made too many caloric indiscretions as of late to enjoy one of their treats in good conscience. However, don't try to enter a Cold Stone and refrain from partaking because the "helpful" staff there really doesn't like that.

Look, I know what overly-solicitous service is. I worked at a restaurant. But seriously, stop asking me if I'm sure I don't want anything. I'm sure. I'm so sure, I'll show you the backs of my thighs and then maybe YOU'LL ALSO BE SURE; more sure than you've ever been about anything in your sixteen-year existence on this planet.

I know you really want to pound some ice cream around on that slab for me, but I'M REALLY NOT INTERESTED. REALLY.

And you can stop singing, please.

Oh, Excuse Me, I'm Just on My Way to A Super Awesome Event

Eugene Mirman's CD taping tonight at Piano's. "Holla."

It's Just Scrabble, Nothing More

I play internet scrabble like it is nobody's beeswax. But here's something:

Enough with the pillow talk, Scrabble partner. No more chit-chat.

Seriously. I'm here for the Scrabble. That's all.

Look, I don't want anything more and I ask nothing in return but that you play with me. I don't want to get serious. I don't want to answer your questions. None of this "Where u from?" and "So, what r ur hobbyz?" I thought we understood each other. I thought I 'd made things clear. We're just going to play. That's all. Then we'll probably never meet again, but for those 25 minutes plus one extra penalty minute if one of us runs out of time, we'll be together. After that, I don't know you from the next guy.

Oh yeah, that's right. There will be others just like you. Others wanting more than I want to give them, more than I can give them. And I'll tell them the same thing I'm telling you: you can't have me. No one can. I'm like that blazing red triple letter score box. You think I'm within reach, but really, I'm unattainable. You might as well not even try. Yeah, I know you have a Z. What do you think I am, stupid? But you can't do anything with it, so just forget it. It's better for us both if you play the game and when it's over, just forget all about me.

Also, since we're talking, "QUAI" is NOT a word, no matter what you say. You know what is? JERK.

1st Ave Between 14th and 30th: The Land That Weird Remembered

I walk up and down this section of 1st avenue everyay, and each time I think to myself (to the tune of the Powerman 5000 song) "This is what it's like when worlds COLLIIIIIIIIIIDE!"

The transition from scuzzy lower east side to the medical institution-filled grammercy area isnt exactly seamless, no matter how hard Stuvesant Town (or, as I like to call it, LegoLand) tries to ease you into it. All of a sudden, there's Beth Israel and NYU Medical Center and I'm sidestepping jazzies and bloody gauze on the street. Complicating matters is the ominpresence of a fleet of people in scrubs and/or labcoats. The streets are flooded with sick weirdoes and docs alike! What is this strange carnival of souls? Also, some of the scrub outfits are blue on one side of the body and green on the right. What the hell? Only in New York! I like my illness...haute couteur.

The whole area does make me feel an overwhelming sense of health, but both good and bad, so as feeling, it sort of just cancels itself out. 1st ave: an anomoly in the space-time continuum.

That Said, On to Another TV-Themed Post

Some notes on two reality shows:

It's quite interesting to watch Survivor: Guatemala because everyone's speech patterns are totally insane. This one guy, Judd, a regualr joe/potty-mouthed dock worker/oafish Shrek type character (or "person," I guess I should say, since this is ABSOLUTE REALITY) kept repeating the words "damn" and "man" during tribal council, and I mean they were literally every other word. Then, Jeff "Celebrity Jeopardy" Probst asked Judd's team about sportsmanship, and I dont think a single person used the word, and variations of it, correctly.

"I don't think we're unsportsman." Huh?

"I'm good sportsman." Fuh?

"Judd is not a very sportsman-like." ZUH?

At first I just thought they were all very stupid (naturally) but then I realized that their bodies are starving and as a result, they're totally disoriented, light-headed, and probably aren't producing enough brain chemicals to come up with interesting or correct things to say. Moreover, it's only a matter of time before their body systems start shutting down or breaking down their own tissues. That is, if the process hasn't already begun.

Also, they do seem quite stupid.

Speaking of noticing things about ridiculous people on reality television shows, has anyone gotten a load of the people on The Apprentice? About 80% of them are at least above average in attractiveness, and the other 20% are basically average. First of all, I've worked in a few offices in my day and they were all EOUE (Equal Opportunity Ugly Employer) environments. Second, this information is vital to my new theory that they find the tasks difficult because they've never had to work that hard at their jobs since they're good-looking and can thus skate by on their physical attributes alone. I'm pretty confident about this theory. I think it works, although it contradicts the fact that the buttugliest are the first to be fired, or as I like to say, "the ugg-os are the first to guh-go!"

Um, yeah. I''m pretty much the lamest person ever.

I'd Like to Interrupt This Blog for an Important Message About How Much TV I Watch

It's not *that* much. Really.

Damn Right I Just Guessed the Right Answer on Double Jeopardy!

In my head: Um...uh, oh I don't know. The House of Seven Gables? That's probably not-

Alex Trebek: "I'm sorry, Lori. The House of Seven Gables was the answer."

It gave me that weird feeling, like when a ghost dances over your grave or whatever that stupid expression is.

The Playlist That Gets Me Killed

Hey iTunes,

You better be able to keep the following awesome playlist, entitled "Totally Sweet," under wraps or people might stop returning my phone calls.

Thompson Twins- "Hold Me Now"
Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark- "Messages"
10cc - "Im Not in Love"
Yaz - "Only You"
Psychedelic Furs - "Love My Way"
Roxy Music - "More Than This"
When in Rome - "The Promise"
Bryan Adams - "Heaven"
Q Lazzarus - "Goodbye Horses"
Stephen Duffy - "She Loves Me"
Alphaville - "Forever Young"

Apparently, it's 1986 and I'm a 13 year-old girl from Massapequa. Or, I am a gay 13 year-old boy from Sussex.

It's a mix of songs from my favorite genres: urgent dance, urgent British dance, ethereal love, ethereal British love, urgent British, ethereal British love dance, urgent ethereal, and synth.

Also, those of you who wish your girlfriends were weird like me (a much better Pussycat Dolls song in my head) will recognize "Goodbye Horses" from the Buffalo Bill mangina scene in The Silence of the Lambs. What?

AWESOME TV LINEUP

8 PM: The OC
9 PM: The Apprentice
10 PM: ER

All of these shows are totally mediocre, or "emdiocore," as I actually just typed. All together, they form a super force of "eh."

I'll be watching.

Oh, and now Im watching Jeopardy!, but it's only because our love's in it.

Wow, the News Really Is Depressing

I think I'll just go to sleep forever or whatever after all of that.

I've Got My iPod On So I Really Don't Understand Why You're Talking to Me

Does anyone else feel that way?

LOST LOST LOST LOST

LOST is on in T minus 33 minutes.

I've built a makeshift hut in front of my tv with mud and bamboo for the occasion.

I've been working out lots of different theories in my head in preparation for this week's episode, but these theories are inherently flawed because I haven't seen the entire first season SO I'M NOT WORKING WITH ALL OF THE INFORMATION.

This bandwagon suits me just fine at the moment.

Administrative Day 2005 a Total Effing Success

What did I do today? Oh, nothing, except...totally rock ALL of my errands real style!

Change my address with various administrative offices? Check. Pick up my loan refund check? Chiggity-check. Mail some bills? MUTHAFUGGIN DID IT. Get free health insurance? You better fu-well, I might not be approved for the last one, but still, it's even got dental. What's that smell? SUCCESS.

Administrative Day 2005 really worked it out this year. I'm going to go kick back with a sixer of Shlitz and reflect.

Anderson Cooper on Letterman!!!!!

I never knew he was a Vanderbuilt, by the by.

Would it be weird to ask friends with TiVo to record CNN for me?

He looks kind of...small.

There's. Just. Something. About. Him.

Wait, he hosted The Mole?

Okay, everything he's saying is hysterical and amazing.

I guess not everyone likes Anderson Cooper, or something.

JUST JEALOUS!

Oh, also: he's probably gay.

Let the record show that I had a nerdy gay crush on the coop like a year ago before all this hurricane katrina coverage got everyone all hot an bothered.

I guess my entries are only about TV now

Smallville, is it? Yes, I think I'll watch.

You don't say, Roadhouse? Well, I just might have to take you up on that.

Am I a total psycho for enjoying Farscape? Thanks for playing it at 11 pm, UPN, when I can watch it without judgement.

Mystic Pizza: totally unrealistic, yet totally cheesy and satisfying, just like real pizza (there's a reason it's my 72-year old dad's favorite movie besides Varsity Blues).

It's been a great weekend of TV, everyone. Maybe I'll start actually going outside again next week?

The Apocalypse is Upon Us and It's Being Aired on VH1

So as I mentioned earlier, I don't have cable because I'm totally poor. When I do get a chance to watch cable, I'm reminded of the fact that all of these recent natural disasters (hurricanes Katrina, Ophelia, and Rita; the recent earthquake in south Asia) are not, in fact, indicators of The Rapture. No, raining hellfire is now the exclusive province of VH1, which is rapidly counting down the coming armageddon in increments of crazy like that gigantic Olympic Countdown Ticker in Union Square.

Exhibit A: Breaking Bonaduce, a meltdown in real time.

Exhibit B: The Surreal Life 5, a big silicone boob of bile and evil.

Seriously, these are the two scariest television shows I've ever seen. They make me feel like Lost is really happening.

To be precise, each show provokes a slightly different response from me. The Surreal Life is so absurd that it's hard to take it seriously, but it's still sort of intriguing (albeit disgusting). It's like this time I went to Friendly's many, many years ago with my two sisters and I put barbecue sauce in my Conehead Sundae as a joke but then it still tasted good but with the unmistakeable tang of barbecue sauce flavoring it nonetheless, rendering it completely wrong yet impossible to leave alone. Then, I watched as a cool teen from the next booth told the rest of his cool teen friends what I had done, and they all laughed with shock and disgust. The Surreal Life 5 is exactly like that entire sequence of events: sickly-sweet, tangy, shocking, voyeuristic, and Conehead.

Also, Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth is the most ridiculous, irrelevant person in the entire world. I like to call her the Omarosa Borealis because she's like a crazy, insane light show that gives people seizures. If I had to guess, I'd say that the entire inside of her head is not in fact filled with brain, but instead, the computer brain of the robot "BeeBee" from the 1986 film Deadly Friend, starring Kristy Swanson and Ann Ramsey (of Throw Momma From the Train and Goonies fame). In this case, BeeBee is made up completely of overblown ego, and he will eventually burst out of her head like the final scene from Deadly Friend, which I think we can all agree made absolutely no sense but was still awesome. Personally, I prefer the scene in which Kristy Swanson throws a basketball at Anne Ransey's head with so much super-undead-robot strength that Ramsey's head completely breaks apart, flying everywhere. However, let's not underestimate how thick and hard Omarosa's head is, so speculation on any of these points may be moot.



Omarosa has a breakthrough on the "Dirty Laudry" segment of The Surreal Life 5.

In a simpler, more innocent time, I would tune in to the first season of The Apprentice to watch a fellow alumnus of my high school, who was one of the "contestants." This was Ereka Vetrini, star of numerous school plays such as "Annie Get Your Gun" and "Oklahoma." I didn't know Ereka that well but she seemed like a lovely person nonetheless. She was particularly nice to me when I tried out for "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown" in 7th grade, which is to say she didn't scream in terror when I sang my audition solo (I didn't get the part, probably because I was a 12 year-old girl with a voice like a Barry White-Harvey Fierstein hybrid). She did a dance routine to Don Henley's "All She Wants to Do is Dance," for eff's sake. Then, Omarosa accused her of being a racist on the show in one of the most disgusting, sensationalistic and grossly defamatory displays I've ever seen. The two ladies were in an argument, and in response to something Omarosa said, Ereka said "That's the pot calling the kettle black." Omarosa then accused Ereka of being a racist. So for everyone paying attention, one of the following had occurred:

1) Omarosa misunderstood a commonly used expression and assumed it was a racist comment.

2) Omarosa deliberately called the comment racist even though she knew that it was not a racist comment.

3) Omarosa heard only part of the comment and thought it was racist.

4) Omarosa experienced a psychotic break typical of psychotic people.

In any case, this is the kind of accusation that a person might make so that no one notices that the accuser is actually a pair of pantyhose filled with pillow-stuffing. This was the beginning of the end for me and Omarosa. That said, please got to Omarosa's website. It is incredible. By "incredible," I mean "ludicrous, hysterically over the top, and filled with typographical errors."

Breaking Bonaduce, however, crosses the crazybridge into ACTUALLY disgusting territory. Can people really be filming this? Remember when everyone in the world leaned over and whispered the following criticism to a friend while watching The Blair Witch Project: "Why didn't they put down the camera and stop filming as soon as everything got fucked up?" The answer from the crew at Breaking Bonaduce is, well, that's just doesn't make for good television.

Note to the makers of Behind the Music: add The Partridge Family episode to the "Premature" file.

1. Britney Spears
2. Creed
3. Danny Bonaduce

The scene in which Mr. Bonaduce rides some sort of montster truck-skateboard hybrid to a liquor store and drinks almost an entire bottle of Absolut (YES, I know it wasn't the regular-sized bottle) in one gulp is, well, disturbing. This isn't ice cream and barbecue sauce stuff, folks. It's more like broken dreams cream and drug-induced rage sauce.

It's not VH1, but accept a humble Exhibit C:

He touched Whitney Houston's excrement for love.

In other news...

The new James Bond may be controversial to some, but he's good news to me! Has anyone seen Enduring Love? Not perfect, but totally fucked!

Sorry, time to watch Nightly News with Brian Williams, my new favorite show. If I had cable, I'd be watching Anderson Cooper 360, which on CNN means "360 degrees" but in my mind means "the number of times I think about how ridiculously good-looking Anderson Cooper is in one hour."

ADDENDUM: This post just refuses to die. After rereading it, there are some things I want to add:

1) The marketing geniuses at VH1 have something on their website called "The V-Spot." I don't know what it is, but that name is an entire advertising class that teaches itself.

2) Deadly Friend is totally part of our cultural consciousness and, frankly, I don't want to be a part of a world in which it is not. I'm glad we're all on the same page on that one.

3) The previous point reminds me that the star of Deadly Friend, Matthew Laborteaux, was totally hot and also starred in some choice Little House on the Praire, my friends.

4) Has anyone seen the British mystery mini-series The Ice House besides my mom and I? It is perhaps Daniel Craig's finest work, though I haven't seen Layer Cake. The mad make-out sesh between him and Sienna "I Must Have Had the Hottest Woman in the Entire World for a Nanny or the Biggest Moron in the World for a Boyfriend" Miller in that movie is reportedly quite hot, so I really should educate myself.

SPOILER ALERT!

Does anyone else think that the "credible threat" to our subways was orchestrated by Mike Bloomberg in order to win the mayoral election?*

Anybody?

All I know is I'm voting for him. Mike Bloomberg, you posed the question "Who's your daddy, New York?" and I promply answered "You are, Mike Bloomberg. You are my daddy."

BTW, what the hell kind of campaign commericals is that guy running? This isn't "You've Got Mail," Mr. Mayor. Where are the shoddy graphics and cheesy effects? I like my campaign commericals low-fi, sir. They better look like they were made by my high school AV Club or I'm going to seriously do nothing about it.

I'm going to go gather up like 8 backpacks and go ride the subway all day because I can now.

BTW II: MTA Police, you will not like what you find in my bags. Bryan Adams and Britney Spears on the same iPod is certainly a crime against somebody's freedom.

*I'm just kidding, Police.

Please, Oprah, Give Me Something I Can Work With

How come whenever I'm busy doing work or other vital tasks, there's always some INSANE thing happening on Oprah that I don't have time to watch, and then when I actually tune in out of interest when I have the time, it's some bullshit?

Today's topic: Jay Leno and Funny Kid Comedians!

A) These kids suck. They are NOT funny. It was like they'd never told jokes before. Totally unprofessional, and if I may say so, quite amateurish.*

B) Jay Leno.

The episode about one twin's sex reassignment surgery and its effect on the other twin and the rest of the family; now THERE WAS AN EPISODE. Super interesting.


* This is not true at all. Those kids were hysterical. I mean it, they were awesome. I love kids. I try not to as much as I do, but it's impossible.

Lost Drinking Game!

Take a shot whenever someone gives someone else the terrified, open-mouthed hairy-eyeball AND whenever something "weird" happens AND whenever something "ominous" happens AND whenever ominous music plays.

It's 9:07 and I'm already drunk!

To be fair, I've been drunk since 4 pm.

TomKat Bumpwatch 2005

I just really wanted to post something with that title.

I effing love this lady, btw:

http://staceynightmare.blogspot.com/

Also, this is my favorite thing in the entire world, FR (Fo Real):

It won't be a secret much longer.

I'm sorry, Lost is still on.

(Update: I linked to the wrong video and just switched it because this one is my more-favoritest)

I'm Not Calling This My Best Work or Anything

It seems like I only do stuff when I'm avoiding doing other stuff. The weird thing is, the things I avoid doing aren't any more annoying than the things I do instead; I think they just revolve around in circle, with each thing getting its day in the sun to be either avoided or done.

The previous paragraph is just another example of writing that would get my college degree revoked.

What I'm really saying is that I should be working on scholarship applications, school assignments, and studying for my anatomy test, which will introduce me to an extra-special level of hell when I walk into it ill-prepared (meaning I studied only 72 hours straight instead of 96). That's what you get when you give me two weeks off school with nothing to do. Thanks, Jews. Who loves ya?

If you only knew.

Or, should I say, if you only Jew. Eh? EH?

What I really mean is this: I wish I were Jewish.

Anyhoo, I've already resolved to make this post a veritable grab-bag of the loosey-goosey, so I feel there's no reason to stop it from careening down that course. Commence stream of consciousness interrupted only by enumeration in T-minus two lines.

1) Today I spent all day in bed because it was raining and I hate that sort of thing.

2) Yesterday, I awoke to hear my lanlord's sister IN MY APARTMENT trying to deposit a bag of recyclables "mistakenly" littered with yogurt containers, which are apparently "not recyclables," causing said landlord's sister to recieve a $25 ticket from the city of New York. It is unclear whether or not I will be responsible for this ticket. In the history of recyclables, haven't yogurt containers always been a part of this group? Am I going insane? Is there some sort of recyclables ticket blitz? I've never gotten a ticket before, and I consume Stonyfield Farms Chocolate O'Soy yogurts like they're IV bags and I'm on a constant drip. If someone tries to tell me that those containers are lying in a landfill in Staten Island somewhere, I'm going to cry a big salty tear for our maligned earth. Seriously. (Editor's Note: Look, I know I don't get the whole "apartment living" thing and I know I do things like bounce utility checks and "forget" to take out the garbage, but I made a serious effort with those recyclables. Really.)

3) As I'm most decidedly "in for the evening," I just got terrified that Wednesday is the Secret Terrible Television Night.* I can never remember which night is the Secret Terrible Television Night; I always mistakenly think it's Monday, and then I end up missing Arrested Development like a jayhole. There was a time I was going out pretty consistenly on Wednesday nights to my fave comedy show, but my month-long moratorium on going out/drinking/spending money/hijinx has kept me at the ole homestead. Now I remember America's Next Top Model is on Wednesdays, which is an awful show that I've been addicted to in the past but am not wild about right now. In this particular episode, the judges made all of the girls write down each others body flaws so the flaws could be read aloud in front of everyone. I wish I could have watched more of it, but I had to throw up my third dinner before it settled. In any case, I don't like watching a lot of tv, but like many people of my generation, the background of my life seems oddly empty without visual images flickering noisily in it. HOLY SHIT I JUST REMEMBERED THAT WEDNESDAY IS NOT SECRET TERRIBLE TELEVISION NIGHT BUT IN FACT THE NIGHT THAT MOTHERFUCKING "LOST" IS ON. I'm totally phoning in the rest of this post. Now that I'm thinking about it, you know what other show is pretty good? Super Nanny. No effing joke. Kids are totally insane.

4) Do those political smear commericals on tv remind anyone else of the competing grocery stores sketch on Mr. Show?

5) I'm a bad person because I love these sorts of things.

6) What's this movie with Nicholas Cage? Can he go away now? Yeah yeah Adaptation yeah yeah Leaving Las Vegas. But everything else?

7) In its infancy, I really didn't know how to feel about the American version of The Office. Then I watched it last night. Now I've decided that it's amazing. You know, just in case anyone was wondering. I realized, though, that Ricky Gervais was the epicenter of funny in the original Office, and the supporting characters orbited him in their own funny galaxies. In the American Office, however, I respond more to the supporting characters than I do to Steve Corell, who I like very much but find to be less of a humor-powerhouse in this show. That said, the secondary supporting characters in the American version (ie, not Jim and Pam, or the Tim and Dawn of the BBC version) are somewhat disappointing, and I didn't really like Dwight much (the BBC's Garreth character)until last night, when he exhibited some real brilliance at times (A hollowed out Physician's Desk Reference filled with waterproof matches and Harry Potter's Prisoner of Azkaban! HA.). That's it for scintillating analysis.

8) Please include these guys in your pre-Thanksgiving dinner prayer. Then continue thinking about them as you eat.

9) Re: #8, I was working on something important the other day with some "colleagues" in an environment that required "professionalism," and I couldn't resist bringing up that story even though it had the potential to be poorly recieved. True to the spirit of the sory, though, it wasn't.

10) So, if every movie basically in existence is going to be eventually remade (this post was prompted by a trailer for The Fog), I have a suggestion about the next top-priority remake project in Hollywood. Speaking of throwing up, that's what I did IMMEDIATELY after seeing this movie when I was 13 years old. It could have been the Stew Leonard's frozen pizza, which was 10 different kinds of disgusting all in one pizza (suggested commerical: someone bent over a toilet bowl vomiting when his/her significant other walks by the bathroom, looks in sympathetically and says "Next time, we won't get delivery." The helpless vomitor turns from the toilet to the doorway, croaking out a faint "It's not delivery; it's disgusting-" then aims right back at the bowl to let loose more pizza-ralph fury. Stew Leonard's: if you like barfing and tax evasion, come check us out!).

So I guess that's it for the worst post ever.

Oh, PS: Batman Begins comes out on tuesday, for anyone else who thought it was awesome and is not a weird dork. Wanna watch it with me, mythical person of the opposite sex? You can even be a weird dork; that's totally cool, too.

*At first I was embarassed that I forgot about Lost being on, but it occurs to me now that I'm left with nothing to watch afterwards that there is only about a half an hour of good television (if that) on any given night (at least on the network channels; since I'm poor, I can't afford to have any effing Six Feet Under wine and cheese parties with the rest of you upwardly mobile jerks) and SOMETIMES, there's an hour, but never any more than that. It seems like there are a handful of good shows on that are scattered throughout the week and throughout the networks (Unless I'm mistaken, the rockingest power-hours of television existed when the TGIF lineup on ABC was as follows: Full House, Perfect Strangers, Mr. Belvedere, and Just the Ten of Us. Someone please inform me if this line-up in fact existed or if I'm just playing a game I like to call "Fantasy TV Line-Up," which is a lot like fantasy football except much more worthwhile and complex). But that was before the 10pm-11pm hour was a viable one for hour-long dramas and dramedies, a development I think we can all agree didn't occur until '98 or so. All I know is this: Law and Order is totally the Meat'normous of television shows.

Okay, um, what?

The Bottom Line

Be open minded about changes at work -- it will settle down and you'll be in charge.
In Detail

After yet another day of teasing you with lingering glances that last just a tad too long to go unnoticed or be written off as something else, a certain person will finally be ready to say exactly what's on their mind. If you're unattached and interested, be prepared for them to approach you to confess. In fact, how about staring back just a second longer than they do? Think of it as a contest. Just don't be surprised if once it happens, neither of you can stop staring at all.

I could have sworn I got this exact horoscope from friendster before. You don't forget something that monumental NOT happening.

Sexy Times Are Here Again

The Bottom Line

When in doubt -- go for romance every time! Don't you already have friends?
In Detail

You've never been known for being reckless, so you're absolutely right to feel a bit worried about what might come of what's going on right now, especially because things have been so ... oh, ... 'erratic' lately. But you don't need to take that worry any further. Your current situation is so unlike anything either of you have ever experienced before that without sounding trite, it's fair to say that a dream you've both been wishing for really could be about to come true.

I don't know why I feel the obsessive need to post my friendster horoscopes all the time. Maybe it's because they're shockingly inaccurate and thoroughly vexing? I'm like a character in a Jane Austen novel except the other charcter is the internet. I think I'm "Pride."

Anyone know if Myspace Tom is in want of a wife?

This Yankee Game is Excellent!

Though not as good as Arrested Development, which it has replaced.

First of all, I'm pretty sure I heard the Pixies somewhere in the background of this broadcast. Zuh?

Second of all, an announcer just made a Carly Simon reference.

I really have to watch more sports. I guess watching my entire Sports Night DVD box set twice in the past 2 days doesn't really count.

Maybe It's Because I Haven't Left the House in Three Days...

But tonight's episode of Jeopardy! was pretty amazing.

I usually tune-in to Jeopardy! from time to time as a kind of mental check-up. It's what people too lazy to actually do crossword puzzles do instead when they want to feel challenged. I view it as similar to the episode of News Radio when Dave and Lisa took the SAT again to see if their scores went up. However, watching Jeopardy! takes much less effort than taking the SAT and is far less reliable as a measure of intelligence than is being a fan of the television show News Radio.

This time, I was all set to change the channel as it became clear that this was the start of Kids Week on Jeopardy! (yeah, I'm going to keep using the exclamation point because it's technically part of the title), and I don't usually care for Kids Week. All the intellectual interest of the show is excised and replaced with some sort of "cuteness factor" that childless people are supposed to be satisfied with in its place. This is not, however, an even trade as these children are typically 10 to 12 years old, ages at which most children have long since stopped being cute. Precociousness is what you get instead, and this is not entertaining to those of us who may be insecure about our own intellectual prowess(es?). Doesn't that sentence illustrate its own meaning beautifully? Also, the questions are super easy (only slightly easier than the ones on Celebrity Jeopardy!) so it's not as fun to play ("play" in this case meaning smugly fire answers at the television and snort afterwards regardless of whether or not they were correct). If the questions do stump me, it's even less fun. I'd like to think I have more general knowledge than most pre-teens, especially since their appearances on national gameshows trump me in the life-experience category (editor's note: at least I could learn them a thing or two about humility).

In this episode, however, the announcer began introducing the children before I could change the channel, and I just had to leave the show on once I was introduced to Andrew Vogl, a young scamp who defied the cuteness cut-off considerably and hails from Yonkers,* New York. Big ups to Westchester County, my young friend. Big ups, indeed.

Andrew was a bright spot in an otherwise unremarkable half-hour of television. That said, I will now make some remarks about it.

There was a young girl on the show whose name I've forgotten, but she did come from a town in Virginia the name of which sounded a lot like "placenta." This girl got on my bad side real fast. She pronounced Metropolis with the emphasis on "polis" like the "po" in Polish (in other words, "Poe" as opposed to "Pah"). This was irksome, but I'm prepared to admit how trivial this is. In truth, what annoyed me most was her performance in the interview portion of the show. Alex Trebek asked her why she wanted to be a Supreme Court justice, and she replied in a rapid-fire, clearly rehearsed manner: "Because I could have a big impact on important issues, black is slimming, and if it doesn't work out, I'm fine being a trophy wife." I'm surprised I heard it over the hum of her batteries.

Let's all remember that this girl is 12 years old. I guess I'd be proud if I were her mother, but I'd probably be too busy thinking of other witty, incongruous things for her to say on television and in other public appearances.

Sadly, Andrew Vogl didn't win, though he did get the Final Jeopardy! question right, indicating that he is familiar with the story of Cinderella. I guess it's back to Yonkers for him, or as the locals apparently call it, "Yahnkahs." Shoutout to Nepperhan Avenue! Getty Square, can I get a "what, what?" What? WHAT? Shoutout, secondly, to my overestimation of the value of local humor! Niche, Niche!

Who did win? That precocious priss from Placenta. I think my uterus just shed it's own lining in excitement.

* LOCAL INTEREST! Yonkers, New York is only slightly less hilly than San Francisco, making it one of the most hilly cities in the country.