New Vocab Word I Straight Up Made Up

"Quanundrum."

I means the same as both "quandary" and "conundrum" put together (ie, with the subtleties of both). I like to think of it as a difficult/puzzling predicament (quandary) caused by a pun or word puzzle (conundrum).

Or, whatever. WORDZ!!!!!

Why Yes, I DID Just Flush My Cell Phone Down the Toilet!

It's true.

If you get a phone call from my number, it may be an alligator in the New York sewer system.

Women Are From Weenus

Interesting article.

Go To JibJab and Vote For This Sketch Because It Rules and We're Talking About $10,000

And "BECAUSE GOD TOLD ME TO."

Tall Cop Short Cop | Send To Friends | Video Jokes at JibJab

Click on Tall Cop Short cop and register on the JibJab site to vote. Also, go to one of their shows if you don't believe me.

"Heroes" Marathon Is Real Effing Deal

Seriously, where has this show been all my life?

GET READY FOR THE FUNNIEST THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

I am so happy I went to college with these guys.



Via The Apiary.

Vegetable Reverse Beauty Contest

Via My friend,

"The National Trust, a British charity, held a competition to garden-growers across the country to grow the ugliest vegetable possible. This year's winner was Mrs. Hilary Nellist from Bedford with her parsnip from the deep. The contest seeks to promote organically grown fruit and vegetables. Some may not look good enough to end up on supermarket shelves, but they quite possibly taste better and are better for you. Look at the picture of the parsnip and tell me Cthulhu didn't have his hand in this one."

Check out the pics of the hot veg action.

Tip

Like blood?

Don't floss for like 4 months, then start flossing again. Vigorously.

You're welcome.

Here Is A Joke I Made Up About "Lost"

How many characters from "Lost" does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

(At this point, when the person you're telling the joke to is in the middle of saying "I don't know, how many?" knock him unconscious with a baseball bat, put a hood over his head, drag him into a cage in the middle of a room with a two-way mirror, stereo, and intercom, turn off the lights, and leave. Come back two weeks later with a tape recorder, dice, a gun, a plate of eggs benedict with home fries, an REO Speedwagon cassette, and an old bus transfer slip).

Repeat until it "gets old" (i.e., indefinitely).

Movie Math!

This + This = This.

Totally. Now I'm Completely Confident In Your Abilities.

I'm poor and on medicaid. So, I see a student dentist at one of our major urban universities instead of a real dentist.
The following exchange occurred between me and my student dentist today:

Me: "I'm fine. A little stressed out about my midterms, though. One was really hard."

Him: "Well, do you have to do well, or can you just pass?"

Me: "Um...I have to do well" (puzzled facial expression, increased heart rate).

Then I allowed him to expose me to radiation and put sharp metal instruments into my mouth.

To The Young Couple Sitting Next To Me At Starbucks That Was Awkwardly Adjusting to Life With Their New Three Week-Old Baby

Oh, nothing. I just wanted you to know that I was aware of your palpable insecurities.

And I meant it when I said your baby "rules."*



*(That really happened).

VERY FUNNY, MR. DU BOUCHET

While I'm generally a Sorkin fan (with the exception of The West Wing, which I just couldn't get into for some reason), this is HILARIOUS and DEAD ON.

Things I Would Say to the Others If I Were Jack, Sawyer, or Kate on "Lost" Right Now

"WHO ARE YOU?"

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS"

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

"YOU CAN'T TREAT OTHER HUMAN BEINGS THIS WAY!"

"I'M PRETTY SURE OUR PLANE CRASHING ON THIS ISLAND ISN'T A CRIME, SO THE WAY YOU'RE ACTING IS TOTALLY WEIRD."

"OUCH! WHY DID YOU JUST GIVE ME AN ELECTRIC SHOCK? THAT HURT A LOT."

"I'M NOT GOING TO ANSWER ANY OF YOUR WEIRDO QUESTIONS OR EAT ANYTHING UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHO YOU ARE AND WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS."

"SURE, I'LL JUST HANG OUT IN THIS CAGE, EXCEPT NO I WON'T."

"WTF?"

"Thank God No One Can, Like, See My IP Address And Be Freaked Out About How Many Times A Day I Visit A Site And For How Long."

I probably said that once when I was a baby or something.

Why Is 10-15% of Every Chicken Product Weird?

I have noticed this with many meat products, but particularly chicken. I don't understand why we can teach monkeys sign language and give people robotic limbs, but we can't remove the strange chewy portion (usually in one of the corners, but SOMETIMES in the middle) of my chicken breast before it gets packaged/cooked. And I'm not talking about reconstitued meants, people. I mean, I EXPECT that kind of thing from processed meats. Seriously, everyone's gotten a bad bite before. It ruins the whole meal! And how about those times when it's your first bite?? I'd like to say that in those instances, at least one can look forward to the rest of the eating experience being rubbery-nodule free, but really it just puts you on the nervous hawk-eye for the rest of the meal. ARE YOU LISTENING, SCIENCE???

Hello, Lover

The Way Things Are Going

I should probably tell that guy I like that I have a crush on him.

"Left-Wing Jihaad"

I wish I could comment on this but Bill O'Reilly's involvement just makes it so hard.

Update: Better Headline...
COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY SECEDES FROM UNION, BECOMES OWN ROGUE BLUE STATE

Remember When I Used to Write Real Posts Instead of Just Pillaging Youtube?

Me neither.

People of the World: I Am About to Get Crucial

You might not believe me, but I seriously think that Weird Al Yankovic is the hottest, most attractive (in every way, i.e., physically, intellectually, and every other -lly) man in the world. He is my ideal and I am not joking. How dare you think that I am. This is the best thing I think I've ever seen, and I just want to know if he's definitely married, or what.

To all the insane nerds out there: don't stop. Keep doing what you're doing.

In My Abundant Free Time

I write stuff.

This Is All I Do Now