Just As I Suspected

the Wit (66% dark, 38% spontaneous, 21% vulgar)

your humor style: CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat. I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer. Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion. You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais The 3-Variable Funny Test! - it rules - If you're interested, try my latest: The Terrorism Test

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 83% on darkness You scored higher than 28% on spontaneity You scored higher than 12% on vulgarity

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

The Way We Were

Hey Blog?


Hey...Blog?

Yeah?

Hey! What's up?

Um...nothing.

Haven't seen you in a while.

Yeah...

You know how it is with school and stuff...

I guess.

Hey, remember the good old days? The days when I used to post stuff all the time, like a couple of times a day?

Yeah.

That was awesome, right?

I guess so.

It was-wait, what do you mean "I guess so?"

I don't know, it means what it means. It means "I guess so."

What's wrong?

Nothing, it's just, you know, it wasn't a big deal for me; I didn't do anything.

Wha-

I mean, you're the one who does all the writing. I just sit here while you dump all your shit on me.

That's not fair. You're a blog; that's how you work. Do you think this is the appropriate time to bring this up?

When else would I bring it up? These are the only times we talk.

Oh. I guess you're right. So...what should I do, then?

I don't know, just be more considerate.

Okay. Sorry.

That's okay.

Quit Effing Around, Friendster, and Just Tell Me Who My Husband Is Already

The Bottom Line
Upcoming travel will show you that amazing things happen if you put your mind to it.

In Detail
Someone who wasn't even a blip on your radar before may be triggering a very intense flood of interest. Who knew that they had so many hidden talents, and that they would mesh so well with your strengths and weaknesses? Follow up on this chemistry and make a point of telling this person that you think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Casual collaboration could turn into something a whole lot more profound, if you want it to.

OMG Friendster, WHO IS IT???

Come Here Often?

No posts in a while. No good ones anyway. So busy.

Today I improvised a delish lunch (I'm like an impoverished, non-irritating Rachel Ray except less ugly in the face. JK, I guess) involving quinoa and a Tabatchnik soup, which is my supreme fave soup brand. Mmmm. Don't you just soooo believe it? It's goodness?

For future reference, when you are drunk and sitting in a really hot room at a Jane magazine party and some dude starts trying to fix the fan but is having no luck, it is NOT funny to scream at him, "What the hell? Didn't you go to college?"

Well, I thought it was hysterical, but, you know, generally I guess it's not. To the guy, or whatever.

This Just In: Free "Thumbsucker" Better Than No "Thumbsucker"

Saw "Thumbsucker" for free. Booyah.

Great story, me.

KLASSROOM KORNER!

I'd really like someone to teach me the following things:

How to make a "cool" website
How to play the drums
How to speak many languages

GO!!!!

This Shit is Hysterical (H-Y-S-T-E-R-I-C-A-L)

If you plea-uzzzz:

Married people are ridiculous.

Make sure to check out the comments section for a battle-royale over quite possibly the stupidest thing to be arguing about in the world, "anti-intellectualism." Yeah, that's a thread that's going somewhere HELPFUL TO ANYONE.

The People Vs. The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Has anyone seen this movie yet?

I love horror movies, so I was quite disappointed to discover that this movie is less a terriffying story of demonic possession and more a weird, spiritual/philosophical courtroom drama. I could overlook Laura Linney, who ratcheted everyone's blood pressure meds up a notch in movies like Love, Actually and (shudder) The Life of David Gale (though she was actually quite good in Primal Fear), and I actually really like Campbell Scott (I never knew he was the son of George C. Scott! Weird!), but the movie had too few weird, fucked up sequences and too much...trial. What is this movie, a horror film, a suspense thriller, or an episode of Law and Order?


My own...personal...DEMON.

The juxtaposition is a little...strange. Normal doesn't blend with the supernatural very well. For example...


When was the last time you need something from the "beyond?"

There is a PARTICULARLY Good Episode of Family Matters on Right Now

And I mean particularly good.

It seems that Laura, cousin Waldo (an excellent addition to the cast, btw) and Steve Urkell are all signed up for the same "Home Economics" class.

-Waldo, thought to be a simpleton in all other respects, finds he has a calling in cooking.
-By learning to "slow down and organize," Laura learns that she can cook an edible meal
-Steve Urkell has NO cooking ability and thus turns to science, inventing a special quick-rising yeast that predictably malfunctions, causing goo to pour out of his oven (yes, they all roll in it, "accidentally")
-some uptight white bitch harasses Laura, surprisingly, sans racial eptithets (this was prime time, after all)

All in all, an EXCELLENT episode. Also, it was probably directed by Jason Bateman (*sigh*). Is there anything that dude can't do?

Excuse me, but they're rolling in the goo again.

Does That Include Utilities?

I don't know about everyone else in this city, but I'm really sick of these people who post ads on craigslsit advertising reduced rent in exchange for assorted "favors," etc. Instead of linking to some of these, I'm going to actually cut and paste some. Take this one, for example:

LIVE IN A BEAUTIFUL APT. COSTS $3000 PER MONTH UPPER EAST SIDE. POOL, GYM, SPA, TENNIS, SAUNA/STEAM, CONCIERGE, 24 HR DOORMAN.

IM A 26M YOUNG FINANCE PROFESSIONAL. LOOKING FOR A PRETTY FEMALE (I STRESS PRETTY) TO LIVE HERE RENT FREE. DO LIGHT HOUSEWORK. I WORK 14 HRS A DAY NO TIME TO TAKE CARE OF THE PLACE. .............................................

MUSTTTTT SEND PIC IF YOU WANT ANY TYPE OF RESPONSE... PRETTIEST GIRL GETS THE PLACE

This one:

Busy, professional, lives in a large 1br apartment on the upper-East side of Manhattan in a building near 5th Avenue in the 70s. I'm a White male, 41, very polite, good-looking. I'm seeking an attractive, very easy-going and open-minded female, for an apartment share. I just ended a relationship and thought the company would be benefecial.

Kindly send your photo, a brief descriprion of yourself, a bit about your background, and any other info. you think I should know.

And this one:

Cozy room w/ window. Shared bathroom and kitchen. No common living space. Walk-up in theatre district. Share with an adventurous couple and their cat.

-must be an attractive female under 30
-we like to play around and we want a playmate
-drugs and disease free (no drugs whatsoever!)
-someone w/ a busy schedule except at night :)

chores:
-make lunch for everyone
-light cleaning
-scantily dressed hostess at parties
-care for cat

I know people can do whatever they want, but these ads serve as a reminder to those of us not willing to perform the kind of acts reserved for Spring Break in Cancun that we must accept a lifetime of high rent as a consequence. But really, what is this, Amsterdam?

Actually, I guess there's nothing wrong with trying to kill two birds with one stone. If you need a roommate, and you need a regular casual hook-up, why not combine them? And why stop there? Perhaps this would be a good time to unveil my craigslist ad:

$700-Need Rommate and Perpetual Affirmation

Hey Craigslisters! I'm looking for a unique person to serve as both a roommate and an employee whose job it would be to provide constant positve reinforcement to me throught my day, every day.

This is a full-time position.

This situation would be best for someone without a lot of stuff and without a lot of personal baggage as there is limited space in the apartment and limited time for you to attend to your own life. It would be great if you had little to no personality.

You can be employed, but in a job that is a) not as cool as mine, and b) not as well-paying as mine. You must be able to leave work at a moment's notice to attend to my needs at all times. If I need you for an impromptu shoulder to cry on, you've got to be there. With tissues.

You cannot be as or more attractive, intelligent, interesting, or funny as I am (only replies including pictures will be considered). You cannot have attended a better than 3rd tier college.

Duties will include:
-giving constant reinforcement to me at all times
-telling others how great I am in a natural and intriguing manner
-being available 24/7 for errands, pep-talks, support of my various projects, and therapeutic discussion
-cheerleading, verbal/moral support
-nonsexual cuddling, petting, and stroking

Thanks and good luck!

Was that alright?

Get Thee to a Nunnery or Other Safe Shelter

Okay, so now we all have to worry about fucking Hurricane Ophelia?

Ophelia????

This is so rife with potential jokes, I almost have to leave it alone. They're all either bad, offensive, or totally dweeby.

I can see it now...

"Hurricane Ophelia Demands All Lay in Her 'Maiden's Lap.'"

What a whore.

I guess I didn't have to worry; none of that was funny at all.

Seriously, how about like, a Hurricane Chuck or Steve? Is that too much to ask? I mean, isn't it just perfect? The totally crazy wench from Hamlet provides the moniker for the next devastating hurricane. Aren't women just completely insane ragheads having their periods all over the place like midieval banshees?!

In other news, is anyone else surprised that that tv show, Invasion, about a big hurricane that disguises an alien invasion IS PROCEEDING ON SCHEDULE IN THE FALL TV LINE-UP?? That seems a little...innappropriate.

Eddie Cibrian, how could you?

The Weirdest Coverage of the NOLA Tragedy

Is being done by none other than...

A Current Affair?

The show best known for launching the career of Maury Povich and telling the kind of stories better left to be worked out by Judge Judy is doing some intense reporting from the actual site. It's such a cheesy, sensationalistic show that I can't imagine them doing hard-hitting journalism, but they're sort of kicking ass on this one, and I think anyone who's seen the coverage would agree. They do this one completely ludicrous yet awesome segement in which one of their well-dressed female reporters attempts to get through to the FEMA telephone help-line. There's a clock in the corner of the screen, and as she waits in her desk chair, listening to a prerecorded message and saying things like "If I really needed help, I'd still be waiting" and "They're cutting me off; they won't even let me stay on hold," the seconds and minutes tick away. Wow, I didn't expect this from Fox. I mean, stylistically speaking, sure, but actual criticism?

I feel bad for previously thinking the host, Tim Green, was a real twat.

Well, he still is.

Get a load of his bio on the Current Affair webpage:

Fox Sports commentator,best-selling author, columnist, practicing lawyer, one of People Magazine’s "50 Most Beautiful People" and former NFL star player Tim Green is host of "A Current Affair," the contemporary version of the groundbreaking news magazine show that made its eagerly anticipated return to first-run syndication on March 21, 2005. Distributed by Twentieth Television, "A Current Affair" delivers exclusive, hard-hitting segments daily for which the half-hour strip is celebrated. With its gutsy, razor-sharp and straight forward stories for the new millennium, "A Current Affair" is executive produced by news magazine pioneers Peter Brennan and John Tomlin, along with consulting producer Ian Rae, the original team who launched "A Current Affair" in 1986.

Best-selling author? I know, he does look like one.

You know, I was just looking around that website, and it is INCREDIBLE. Please check it out. Amidst all the Katrina coverage on the website, you'll also find:

- a call for outrageous wedding videos
- an online poll in which one may check either "ineptitude" or "racism" as being the cause for the slow hurricane response
- a free Current Affair ringtone

You know, I was just thinking about how much I wished I had that ringtone. That is one hot jam and I want it on my phone PRONTO.

Perhaps better than all of this, though, are the descriptions of Tim Green's books. I thought he'd probably written about being an NFL player (suggested titles: The Mean Green, The Legend of Timmy Green, Green on Green: A Hero's Story) or about being a sportscaster, or being really really, ridiculously good-looking, or what it's like to have a head made of wood, but no, they're not about those things...

Chew on this synopsis of The Fourth Perimeter:

A former Secret Service agent turned high-tech entrepreneur, Kurt Ford couldn't be more proud when his son Collin follows in his footsteps. But elation turns to despair when Collin is found dead in his apartment and the police rule the case a suicide. Knowing his son would never kill himself, Kurt searches for the truth-and uncovers shocking evidence that the person behind the murder is none other than the president of the United States. Now Kurt is about to attempt the impossible: to assassinate a leader who has spun out of control. But as he sets his plan in motion, he finds out how much he really has to lose-and what dark forces are lying in wait for his next move.

Don't like the sound of that one? How about...Exact Revenge:

For twenty years, Raymond White has waited. Living in a maximum security prison in upstate New York and convicted of a murder he didn’t commit, his only thoughts are finding the men who put him there.

Oooh! I like Ruffians:

Clay Blackwell is an ordinary young man with an extraordinary talent. For his physical gifts, Clay is an NFL first-round pick. Yet from the moment he signs his big contract, Clay's talents plunge him into a realm of ruthlessness, lawlessness, and a conspiracy that makes playing for the Ruffians of Birmingham, Alabama, the most dangerous job a man could ever have. Deep inside this NFL franchise is an illegal weapon that turns its ordinary players into the most feared in the league--and into ticking time bombs. Now what is at stake for Clay is not just a career and a championship, but his body, his soul, and the woman he loved long before he became a Ruffian...

Later dudes, I'm going to the library.

BTW, does anyone know if Tim Green is married?

Flight of the Conchords on Conan

"With me you only get 2 minutes of love. Cause I'm intense."

Are they still in NY? They're awesome!

iPod Episode III: Shuffle, You Are So Random!

I swear, the stuff you come up with sometimes!

Invite Them Up Is My Favorite Thing in This Country

I would say that even if our country wasn't balanced precariously on the edge of oblivion. When in Rome, fall as the Romans did!

Last night at Rififi was extra sweet because it wasn't ABSURDLY crowded, as is so often the case these days.

Fire eating?! Or was it blowing? Who cares, it's fucking fire. Bobby Tisdale proved he's more than just a man and a comedian; he can also perform the same feats as any other seasoned "Carnie."



I'm not talking about this Carnie.

The line-up was not to be missed. Fresh off the boat from BOTH the Edinburgh Fringe and Bumbershoot Festivals was Eugene Mirman, who regaled all with stories of the press he recieved in Scotland and a curious interview in Chicago involving children, puppets and darkness. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard since the last time I saw him.

Aziz Ansari was also fresh from Bumbershoot and he did a great set. What's better than an impromptu trip to Sacramento? How about a botched trip to San Francisco? Or an unneccessary trip to LaGuardia? Aziz, you are not a retard. Really. Everyone should go see Aziz's show, Aziz Ansari Punched A Wall, tonight at the UCB Theatre, as it may be the last time it's performed for a while. I SAID GO(UPDATE: Saw it; was awesome).

Perhaps the best moment of the evening was Todd Barry identifying a fellow in the audience who has apparently been following his show across the country Grateful Dead tour bus-style. "Do you have like a blog, or anything?" Mr. Barry asked. CLASSIC!

Todd Barry, if you read my blog, I think my head would explode.

Yet Another Piece of Evidence That I Was Not Meant for Living

So add "sleeping" to the list of activities I cannot perform without somehow hurting myself.

Last night I slept with one forearm mashed against the other, which was clad in my wrist-worn timepiece (called a "watch"). This morning I awoke to find that this had caused significant irritation to the watchless forearm in the form of a massive, red swelling that vaguely itches. Thanks, world. Time to take 3 Advil and pray for my liver. FYI: The big red bump is probably incubating it's own AIDS strain as we speak (even though we're not actually speaking) because the only thing my body does efficiently is harm itself. I am Gangrenous; hear me putrify!

Actually, this is most likely a real-life incident of those urban legends we hear about with some spider/roach/whatever laying eggs in a person's face/mouth, etc. I can't wait! I know, I know, urban legends are about as real as the earth is round. Anyway, I guess I'll just replace my arm with a hook, escape from a mental institution and drive around flashing my highbeams at people's cars until I run over the Noxema girl. WHA? Even I don't know. What I do know is.... there's a killer in the backseat...eating PopRocks and Coke! TERRIFYING! Oh yeah, and I microwaved your dog. Sorry. To be fair, I thought it would be funny. It kind of was.

Alright, I'm done riffing. I apologize.

Whoa. I just felt my lump again. It is rock hard, people. Oh, and it ROCKS HARD.

At least it wasn't another mosquito bite on my eye. Those are itch-tastic.

UPDATE: I think this is actually a spider bite, as I've identified two puncture wounds (fang-marks). Sick.

Labor Day Brews Lead to Labor Day Bruise

Let's all drink mindfully, eh?

Insert Inappropriate Comment Containing the Phrase "Tickle the Ivories"

Yesterday I saw John Tesh at the Starbucks on Crosby (Spring?) Street. He sat across from me in one of the comfy armchairs for about 2 hours. He also had a large LeSportSac-style weekender bag complete with a whimsical print that was quite...fanciful.

That is a handsome man.

I'm averaging about 2 celebrities per week since I moved here; the last one was Heather Graham in Union Square. I have arrived, ladies and gentlemen.

Probably my favorite sighting (not counting the Tesh action, of course) was a homeless-looking David Straithairn in Grand Central Station. He looked like he needed an Italian BMT, a couple of bucks and a warm bed for the night. Also, I couldn't give him any of those things. Sorry, Strathy.

John Tesh was also with a young girl that I'm guessing was his daughter because there was quite a resemblance. She was BEAUTIFUL. He was also reading a very large book for a long time. Hey everyone, remember Enteratinment Tonight before it became like a weird, ADD, television show equivalent of a hopped-up and manic Tom Cruise? I think I actually used to watch it.

I totally HEART Mary Hart.

Some Things

a) I'm 25 now. Happy birthday to me. My apologies to the Grassroots Tavern bathroom for saturday night. See you next year...sans vomit?

b) I'm obsessed with my iPod. That is so last year. Sorry again.

c) This is becoming one of my favorite blogs. Check it.

Also, go to this, because I can't (d'oh):

Variety Shac Tuesday the 6th, 8:30 sharp

Come join us this Tuesday for a new short film about our rehearsal process and:

The SHAC playing trouppe:
Chelsea Peretti
Healther Lawless
Shonali Bhowmik
Andre Rosen

The SHAC guests:
John Mulaney
Kristen and Kurt

At Galapagos, 70 N 6th St (L train to Bedford)
Free

I'm out. As Bobby Moynihan says:

"Peace, Bitch!"

A Note to Comment Spammers

I definitely don't need my penis enlarged. That said, I'm glad you enjoyed my ravings.

Please don't leave ads on my blog. Merci.

iPod Shuffle, You Are An Unnerving Little Bastard

How do you fit all that music in you? It feels wrong, somehow.

Another Totally Awesome Thing About This Fucking Hurricane

Is this question:

How many of the displaced "refugees" in need of medical attention have health insurance?

I have a guess.

Isn't it HYSTERICAL how all of these different crises come to the fore when something like this happens?

Yeah, don't worry, it's totally fine that healthcare in America is completely ridiculous; it's okay to not have health insurance. I mean, it's not like a totally unprecedented natural disaster will completely ravage your home and health.

Nah, that won't happen.

Hey, You Can't Afford That Digital Camera! Oh, Can't I?

I'll have AWESOME pictures of the poorhouse, anyway!

Where's My Free iPod Shuffle, Chase Bank?

It's been 6-8 weeks already.

UPDATE: AWESOME! THANKS!

I Might be Gay One Hour of Every Weekday

Ellen DeGeneres, stop tricking me into being attracted to you. Last time I checked, I was a straight girl.

Is it really attraction, or do I just think you'd be an awesome friend?

Is it your dancing? There's something about it...

You make me have serious doubts about my sexuality from 10 am to 11 am every weekday.

Seriously, stop it. It's not cool. I don't appreciate your "wiles."

It's like a network executive engineered a being that is perfectly attractive to any sexual orientation and called it "Ellen DeGeneres."

Who knew preppy was my thing?


You did, Ellen.

Let's Stop Fooling Around and Help Those People for Eff's Sake

So more and more disturbing information is coming out about what's happening in New Orleans.

I think there needs to be a lot more done for these people than what is being done right now.

After everything is at least under control, and plenty of aid has been and continues to be provided, THEN we can all start blaming the president/city officials/general "government/etc.

Oh, wait a second, anyone interested in learning more about what's happening and what they can do about it should absolutely tune in to ABC right now to watch The View, because Meredith Viera just posed a very important question:

"How many of you, honestly, have fallen for a smooth-talking man with a pick-up line?"

Thank God we're all on the same page. Pitiful.

UPDATE: the apiary has a listing of benefit shows for hurricane relief that all should check out.

UPDATE, AGAIN: Upon rereading this entry, I realize how horribly inadequate it is to describe what's happening. I have the luxury of a temporary mental checkout on this one, and I don't even have a reason to want to do that because I'm not actually in the shit. Very sad.