So That Guy on Stargate Atlantis is Kinda Hot

Not the *obvious* hot guy, but the nerdy scientist one. I know what's throwing you off: no glasses. Yes, he is a nerd, and no, he doesn't wear glasses, so stop your nerd-profiling.

In fact, he just figured out some equation or something that was apparently really important, and it was seriously hot.

Yeah, I like nerds. That reminds me of the time I saw some blondie-big-boobs walking down the street in a tight t-shirt that said "I like nerds." In an ideal world, I would have immediately ducked into a magic shop (because in an ideal world, there would be magic shops on every corner because they're awesome and legitimate), bought fake glasses, freckles, bucked teeth, suspenders, and a mousy pigtail wig, put all of that stuff on, and then ran up to her screaming "Stop taking all our meeeeeeeeeeen!" But that's just my clinical insanity talking.

Guys, Don't Worry: I Have Pop-Ups Again

Wow! I totally forgot how awesome it is to have pop-ups in my face all the time! Thank God I can't use Mozilla anymore because of my school's expired security certificate! Otherwise I'd just be going about my internet business as usual! BO-RING!! Now whenever the Bullseye Network wants to thrust some nuisance bullshit in my face, there's nothing stopping it! Firewall? Ha! Isn't that some Indiana Jones movie? Hold on, there's an ah-mazing deal flashing in my face RIGHTNOW so I better click it IMMEDIATELY because IT'S FLASHING!!

I WANT TO DIE.

Also, I think it would be *super funny* to refer to a person as "Human Pop-Up." Well, only someone I really cared about.

"DOOSLER!"

Everyone else who was a fan of the most amazing TGIF lineup ever...

Isn't it cool that Doosler's doing so well for himself?

I saw him in a commercial so I IMDB'd him and it turns out the old Dooz's been a staple go-to-guy in shows like Close to Home, The West Wing, CSI and 7th Heaven.

I don't think anything he's done so far can top his work on Just the Ten of Us.

Well, maybe What to Do with Your Dead Hooker trumped it.

Wendy goofily/crazily screaming out "DOOSLER!!!!" is one of my fondest tv memories ever to this day, with the exception of the rape episode of Mr. Belvedere, which remains both mystifying and titillating to me.

Like I Care, Staples

In my inbox:


Staples Rewards See a sneak peek of our new commercial just for being a Staples Rewards(sm) member Thu Feb 23, 2006 23k


Dear Staples,

Kindly get over yourself.



Sincerely,
Me


P.S.: Aren't hearts of palm so good? Like, in a salad? I know!

IDOLATRY

Two of the American Idol contestants are from my home county! That's something to be...something about! I think!


Dobbs Ferry and Mount Vernon. Yep: totally Westchester. Guess which one is the "have-not." (The preceding was REGIONAL HUMOR and will not be funny to anyone who is not clinically insane, from Bedford, NY, or most likely, both.)

This guy is from some place called Crystal Lake, so it's safe to say that if he wins, camp counselors everywhere should gethefugout.


Anyone who can get me a date with him:





him:





or him:



Please contact me at dangeroussexy@pedophilesometimes.com (the last 2 are 16! The first one is "29.")

Also: The third kid (Kevin Corvais) is AWESOME even though he looks like someone from a 10th grade talent show who snuck onto the stage and just started singing. He has quite an endearing interdental lisp and one of those girl contestants should totally give him something concrete to take home with him to Long Island (or rather, more accurately, take something away from him, IF you know what I mean, AND I think you do).

Oh please, like you weren't thinking the same thing. You. I know you.

PS: Check out this guy, appropriately named Ace:


Clearly, he's the manmeat of the show. I would be totally into him if he weren't obviously created in a lab in a back room on the TRL set from spare Jesse Metcalf and Jake Gyllenhaal parts. I will say that his rendition of "Father Figure" was better than the original, for real (When he sang "I'll be your daddy," I'm positive that at least 10 girls died of previously undiscovered heart defects). Maybe it was his intense and complex stare at the end. If you play his eyes backwards, you can hear the recipe for Simon Cowell, bee-tee-dubs.

"Have you figured it out yet?"

(What?)

"Who's the best American Idol?"

Don't Go Away

I wish this blog wasn't aborting itself. It's a good one!

Via The Apiary.

Personal Trainer Smersonal Smainer: The Horror Stories From the Front Lines at My Gym Continue

Personal trainer, to me, during my free training session that came with my gym membership:

"Yeah...you really need a personal trainer."

GEE THANKS! YOU KNOW, THAT'S REALLY MOTIVATING! I KNOW: TO LOSE WEIGHT, WHY DON'T I JUST AMPUTATE ONE OF MY MUTANT ARMS OR LEGS? HOW'S THAT FOR CUTTING THE FLAB????

I'm not angry or anything.

Memo to Raspy Country Guy on American Idol

You will not become the next American Idol singing Lynrd Skynyrd's "Simple Man."

Weight Watchers Cereal, Why Are You So Weird/Good?

It's not weird-good as in "weird in a good way," i.e., part of its goodness stems from it's thrilling weirdness, but rather, its weird/good: kinda good, but in a wholly separate and somewhat disturbing way, also weird. These elements, in constant struggle/opposition (embodied by the slash mark), are impossible to reconcile, making the cognitive dissonance associated with the cereal's ingestion almost unbearable.

Though to wit, I do say it is delicious.


BUT SO WEIRD!

To be clear:

Weird-Good:


Weird/Good:


Get it?

Also, has anyone else ever stepped into an empty elevator with a smell in it that you cannot definitevely decide is a fart or chinese food? You know, like either there was someone just in there who just farted or a chinese food delivery guy with chinese food?

I know what you're thinking: chinese food is delicious! It's true. But sometimes the smell...let's just say it can be ambiguous.

Please, I'm not trying to be gross here. This has happened to me more than once, I swear.

THAT IS NOT A COMPLIMENT

Dear Everyone,

It is NOT a compliment when upon seeing you, a person exclaims the following:

"Rosacea!"

That is NOT a compliment. It is NOT a nice thing to say at all. Merely stating a fact, were you? Well guess what:





















THAT'S MEAN!
















NOT INTERESTED!

















NOW I HATE YOU!

















I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU!


















THAT'S EVEN MORE OF A REASON WHY YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID WHAT YOU SAID!
















DOUCHEBAG!
















Ahhh.




Anyway, my face was kinda red and I probably only have mild rosacea.
















ASS!

Whuh Happuh?

Blogger: you so crazy, I think I wanna have your baby, but only if it SPONTANEOUSLY REVERSES THE ORDER OF MY POSTS SO THAT THE CONTINUITY OF MY BLOG IS COMPLETELY DISRUPTED, RENDERING SAID BLOG NONSENSICAL.*

I'M GLAD WE HAD THIS TALK. I'LL JUST BE OVER THERE STILL SCREAMING.

*The "One More Thing" post was supposed to come after the "Valentine's Day" post, as per my artistic vision. There's probably a way to fix it, but let's face it: I'm a technological Bush.**

**I'm going to start gradually introducing that phrase into common parlance among the extreme left-wing just for fun. Also because I'm a total Bush and I like to do Bushiotic things like that like other Bushtards.***

***I'm middle-of-the-road politically, btw.

One More Thing

I'm easy!*












*(desperate)

As Valentine's Day Approaches, I Can't Help But FEEL

You know, just......feel.

Dear Boyfriend,

Why don't you exist?

Was it that thing I didn't say? The thing about us maybe being boyfriend-girlfriend?

Huh?

Are you there?

How about this:



What? Oh, yeah, I don't know why I did that. Don't guys really like her? You know, think she's pretty, badass, etc? Etc??

How about this:

I look just like her!

Really!

Really. Plus this sense of humor. Talk about a package!

You know, you can email me. There's a function! Potentials: feel free!

I'm waiting!




Everyone knows I'm kidding, right?



:(

Sort of Wish I Hadn't Missed Out On These

You know, for my sig. other or whatev.


Via The Apiary (Thanks Chris, for making me realize I should be crediting people for things like this).