No End to Recent Book Bender In Sight

...(While stroking a long beard of spun gold that cascades from my chest)...

Since I've OBVIOUSLY had some free time in the last 3 days, I'd like to take this opportunity to descend from atop my throne on Mount Coolerthanthou and tell the plebes about some things I've been enjoying recently:

1) Big Dead Place, byNicholas Johnson, is a good book about Antarctica that is extremely funny and interesting. It had me actually laughing out loud, which hasn't happened since I read Early Bird by Rodney Rothman, another recommended read.

2) I have been listening to the song "Marble House," by The Knife, (from their recent album, Silent Shout), on repeat for the last three days. This arrangement will continue indefinitely as I'm pretty sure it's the best song ever.

3) Olde English rules and good stuff has been happening to them lately. See them at The Pit while you can. I haven't been able to yet, and I soon will, but please check out the vidoes on their website as they're hysterical.

4) This is one of the funniest things I've ever read.

That is all (elaborate flourish).

I Dont Get Why I'm Alone; A Cursory Glance at the Titles of My Previous Posts Would Make Anyone Fall In Love With Me

I'm literally insane now that I'm done with finals, one of which I got a 97 on. I don't mean to brag or anything, BUT THAT WAS OUT OF A HUNDRED.

Because I Do Things Like Live-Blog Last Comic Standing

...which I totally didn't intend to watch, but then I remembered that I like Doug Benson.

I like how EVERY reality show has a Simon Cowell-type now. It's the equivalent of having someone with an eating disorder and/or alcoholism on The Real World, which, bee-tee-dubs, I am unable to watch as I no longer have cable, but I haven't watched it in years anyway. That reminds me that Theo from the Real World-Road Rules: Extreme Hellish Nightmare Blah Blah Hook-ups is actually on this season of Last Comic Standing. I missed his set though, so I don't know if he's funny. This is scintillating writing.

ALSO: I have no air conditioning and recently discovered that minor adjustments to a particular undergarment could have changed it from ill-fitting to well-fitting a long time ago. D'oh. GREAT SUMMER SO FAR!

UPDATE: I just figured something out: maybe they're NOT going to pick comics they don't focus on at all during the show? Eh? Also, I hope very few of those comedians, chosen and unchosen, go "out of control on drugs." I hate when that happens.

UPDATE II: That America's Got Talent show will definitely feature David Hasselhoff and Brandy as judges, FYFI.*, **

*The second "f" stands for "fantastic."
** I could have spelled it out eff-why-eye, because I'm like De la Soul except I'm one white girl with a lit degree from a tiny liberal arts college who watches Law and Order SVU ( or, "El & Oh-Ess-Vee-You") like it's my job, but it's still kind of the same thing. I CAN MANIPULATE THE LANGUAGE BECAUSE I'M EDUCATED AND POSSESS METALINGUISTIC SKILL, HIZZY.

Seriously, The End of An Era

Um, I'm not getting over this.


Thanks, aq.

A Frightening Statistic

Based on an informal poll (my "research") of six children who confirmed the following with 100% agreement, I can say with a good amount of certainty that THE AVERAGE CHILD THINKS THAT WHEN A SKUNK SEES A PREDATOR AND/OR IS SCARED, IT "FARTS."

Seriously, children DO think this. But when you really think about it, why don't adults think the very same thing? I mean, isn't that sort of what it's doing?

I STATE FOR THE RECORD THAT I ABHOR THE LAZY PARENTING THAT LEADS OUR CHILDREN TO ERRONEOUSLY CONCLUDE THAT SKUNKS USE FLATULENCE TO SCARE AWAY ENEMIES (no matter how good an idea it is). Because you know that a kid was like, "Then the skunk...(giggle due to the unadulterated glee one has when the dirty answer is the right answer)...FARTS!" (maniacal laughter), and the mom or dad was like, "Honey, no it...yeah, alright, whatever."

St. Marks Street Fair As Pleasant As Hot Yogurt

I'm not kidding: hot yogurt is disgusting. You know when you get a bite that was located right on the other side of where your hot hand was grasping the plastic container? THAT'S HOW I KNOW.

I Guess He Was Talking About How Tall I Am

While walking to the subway in the bronx today, I remember thinking to myself, "I thought this was a bad neighborhood, but it doesn't seem like it. It's pretty pleasant, in fact." Then, just as I was walking past this old man on the street who was walking toward me in the other direction, he stopped, stared at me, and then said something I didn't totally catch until I really thought about it:

"I like big girls like you."

The best thing about catcalls on the street is WHEN THEY INCLUDE BACKHANDED INSULTS.

Also, I'M TOTALLY PROPORTIONAL. SERIOUSLY.

Also, why do I have a disease where I tell people all of the embarassing crap that happens to me during the course of a day, like for example, when I stood up from my seat on the bus yesterday and banged my head on the metal ceiling rail with such force that I may actually have altered my own neurologic functioning (total traumatic brain injury)? I'd elaborate but my headache and subdural hematoma are making me type all funzy.

At least I cheered myself up by answering a wrong number call to my cell phone, thinking it was someone I knew, with a long, drawn-out "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuup," which was immediatley followed by a stranger's laughter. AWESOME! Serves you right for calling me when you don't know me. STICK TO YOUR OWN KIND, MAN.

This Commercial Taps Into Something Primal Deep Within Me

You know, the one with the montage of clips from abc shows with "One," sung by Bono and Mary J, playing in the background? Moving.

Maybe Because I Have No Taste

I like the Charlie's Angels movies, but maybe only because I have nothing better to do but watch them on tv.

"Not for nothing," but Demi Moore looks SICK in the sequel. But I guess EVERYONE in those movies does. And by sick, I mean BINGEWORTHY. It's like, what big teeth you have (the better to drape my loose-hanging skin over, my dear). There's some pretty good Crispin Glover action in it. I love that clowny-clown (he doesn't make me frown, etc., etc.). Pretty good Justin Theroux action, too, but that accent's about as Irish as curry-in-a-hurry.

Also, never let it be said that Conviction got cancelled with nary a peep from "fans," because I'M SUPER ANGRY IN A WAY I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH about it. I do have an anger problem, though, so there's that.

This blog, if it can even be called that, has really gone somewhere bad, I think.

Incidentally, I just finished my last final exam a few hours ago and celebrated by drinking margaritas in midtown, which no one should ever do as midtown is like the flyover-state of manhattan, but it was pretty fun. Totally crawesome. Why is the television news exclusively airing distrubing videotapes of public sex and adult bullies as news, all of a sudden? It's harshing my mellow.

Clinically Insane

I'm really into 2-hour season finales right now. They're like MOVIES! Conviction? AWESOME. Desperate Housewives? WHY NOT? Grey's Anatomy? Well, I guess that one was about I don't know 4 HOURS LONG or whatever but it was still good for a shitty show. BUT THE BEST?











































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I'm pretty excited about it.

PS---The amount of time I spend reading recaps of shows on the internet is kinda sad. Also: why is Mischa Barton dead on the OC? And why is every show in the world ending this season?

Long Time No Smell

Sorry dudes.

It's really cool not having a life anymore.



Ominous...