Voicemails From My 73 Year-Old Dad: A Comedy In Two Acts

"Call me...(long pause)...Please?"



"Why don't people answer their cell phones when I call? Why am I always speaking to a voicemail? If you'd like to continue this call in Spanish, press one on the phone now, please. Thank you and have a nice day."

Best Lines From Tonight's Episode of The Simpsons So Far

"I'm a unitard!" ---Ralph

"Well EXCUSE ME for having huge flaws I don't work on." ---Homer

West Coast Verdict

LA: Liked it!
Las Vegas: Gross!

---fin

I Just Don't Think I Could Ever Date Anyone Who Doesn't Like Trader Joe's

There are some beliefs I will not compromise.

I Don't Know Why I Love This So Much, But Trust Me When I Tell You I'm Not 13 Years Old

Hilarious

Good one.

Drinking in the Rain

I just had to walk a couple of blocks in the rain, and I had bought a coffee at Starbucks that had one of those intense lids on it that captures stray coffee. As has happened before, the lid also decided to catch rainwater, and being in a rush, I drank from the cup regardless. I'm pretty sure 50 percent of that coffee was runoff from rooftops and dirty awnings.

The other 50 percent?

GOD'S TEARS.

If You Are At Starbucks On Your Cell Phone With Your Sister and You Think You See Heath Ledger, But You're Not Sure It's Him And Assume It's Not

Don't say to your sister, at a normal (ie, not whispered) volume, "I wonder if that's Heath Ledger," because then Heath Ledger, having heard his name, will look right at you in a kind of annoyed way, and you'll feel embarassed.

Like I did.

A New Slogan For You, Veal Industry, Courtesy of Me

"Keepin' it Veal."














Why has no one thought of this before?

Or not.

Dear Airborne (TM),

You keep me from getting sick, but at what cost?*



*Airborne tastes disgusting.

Sometimes When I Walk By a McDonald's with One of Those 99 Cent ATMs

I think to myself: would I rather by a cheeseburger, or my own money in incremements of $20?

I don't know...the cheeseburger IS cheaper than what my own money would cost me.


So hard!

Thank God I'm on Some Kind of Mega Spam List

Otherwise I wouldn't be getting all of these GREAT unsolicited stock tips! Excuse me while I fire my Morgan Stanley guy!!!!