Indian Food Rhyming Skillz All Up In Ya Grillz

My sister: "What did you have for dinner?"

Me: "I ordered Indian, but all I really wanted was naan and mulligitawny soup, so I had to get a lot of naan to make the delivery minimum-"

My Sister: "So you got a ton of tawny?"

Me: "No, the tawny was tiny."

(TENSE PAUSE)

My Sister: "You're an idiot."

(Notice my sister attempting to wow everyone with her skillz, only to be OWNED by ME, her CLEAR VERBAL SUPERIOR)

Mortality Check

I think David Letterman gave me his "stomach bug." All I know is: I have never been so violently ill in my entire life. This is miserable. Also (DISGUSTOID SPOILER): it's kind of not fair that if you don't eat anything all day, you'll still vomit bile HARSHLY all night. SORRY.

I Knew There Was A Reason That She Is My Fave Comedian

Not for the faint of heart.

I Would Date Anyone From How I Met Your Mother

Even the gay ones and the girls.

My Family Is Great In A Crisis

While in a restaurant:

Me: (Laughing at something weird my Dad said)

Sister: Ha-YOU ARE HAVING A NOSEBLEED!

Me: What? Wha-really-OHMYGOD!!!

Sister: EEEW GO TO THE BATHROOM GO TO THE BATHROOM RIGHT NOW!!!

Me: Wait, it's just-why? What does it look like?

Sister: BLOOD! BLOOD! YOU'RE COVERED IN BLOOD!

Dad: What happened?

Sister: SHE'S HAVING A NOSEBLEED!

Dad: What?

Sister: SHE'S HAVING A NOSEBLEED!!!

Dad: OH JESUS!

Upon Viewing Good Will Hunting for the Eighth Time

I feel like "Will" wouldn't know all that history shit. Just the math, you know?

Newest Venture

Check it out.

Sleepaway Camp: Hopes and Dreams

I hope Angela doesn't kill that cute boy that likes her.

Probably that mean sexy girl will die next.

PS--It's like, who else could be the killer? It's so obviously Angela. Way to drop the ball, Sleepaway Camp.

Oh, Hey, Would You Look at That

That's weird.

Intelligent Designer vs. The Theory of Levis-olution

Nowhere has the science vs. religion debate raged the hardest than in the Levi's commercials of the 1970s. See for yourself.

The Case for a Holy Creator:

Hmmm...the mysterious stranger that arrives in town and shows everyone "the way?" Obviously, it's Jesus Christ...in plaid flares. The elements of fear and coercion are perhaps the most salient religious themes in this TERRIFYING PARABLE. Doesn't that Dacron Polyester make you just want to turn the other cheek? Yes, we most certainly had a creator, and he sure had style.

The Case for Evolution:

Here we see Levi's coming down on the side of science. Don't even try to prove that you and your 501s didn't evolve from a groovy caterpillar.

The Case for Ambiguity:

So which is true? As this commerical illustrates, there are no easy answers. The first half seems to scream, "You say we came from monkeys, eh? But monkeys eat bananas and are clearly morons," while the second half depicts a girl emerging from a flower, as if to reaffirm our ultimate origins in nature. Frustrating! Levi's, you sure make an effort to attack these thorny issues. One thing is for sure: I don't care what my kids learn about the origin of life, or where they learn it, for that matter;* I JUST WANT MY LEVI'S!

*Yeah, JK. Intelligent design is, at its core, a fallacy of relative determinism, and stupid. Huzzah!

I Very Much Liked

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, by Mark Haddon.

Above All Else

It is most important to me that you take a hardline stance in the Rogan vs. Mencia debate.

A Message from My 73 Year-Old Dad

"Anna Nicole's paternity results came in. I'm not the father."

A Message for All the People Barfing on the Streets

Why are you always barfing where I'm walking? In other words, why am I always walking by barf?

No Offense, But

I could not give a shit about the Silver Surfer and the new Fantastic Four movie, given how bad the first one was. Sorry.